Brilliant write up, great pics!!!
London Bangkok - Poacher turned gamekeeper
- Thread starter monkeyboy
- Start date
Good question, I wondered that. Really enjoying the report ��
Deleted account Cooperman
Registered user
Amazing scenery. Good to see the Victory still rolling.
Thanks fellas...
That's not a rack on the GS. It's just a piece of hard foam Rob used to protect his good lady from smacking into the topbox
What a thoughtful chap!
That's not a rack on the GS. It's just a piece of hard foam Rob used to protect his good lady from smacking into the topbox
What a thoughtful chap!
Thanks for some amazing images - your 'people shots' are intriguing and that old lady at the market had a dignity in age and dress, that you captured very well - you have a skill, as anyone who has photographed people (or who has tried to) will confirm. The poor woman at the butchery counter looks like she could do with a couple of shots of whatever is actually in the "Let's Go!" containers - unless that brand is actually a 'Euthenasia Milk' concoction and she has already sipped at it and made the journey to the other side....
I am using Google maps to follow the story so far....I am not sure that without your guide you would ever have found these special locations, so thanks for sharing the views and experiences; the scenery is stunning.
I am using Google maps to follow the story so far....I am not sure that without your guide you would ever have found these special locations, so thanks for sharing the views and experiences; the scenery is stunning.
Excellent ride report - loving it and many thanks for sharing it with us! 
I really like taking pictures of people. It's always a challenge isn't it. The shot of the old woman was a very lucky grab shot on the phone as she didn't want to be photographed. I just distracted her with some money and snapped as soon as she turned away.
As for the "Let's Go".. that will be horses milk... yummy yummy... and those thick sausage/fat things are horse meat too. It's disgusting believe me.
We only had the guide for the Yurts up at the lake - you can find these other places easily enough but it's getting to know they're there that is the trick. Out in the Kyrgyzstan mountains though, the whole place is so beautiful that you can't fail to end up somewhere nice
If you are keeping tracklogs is there a chance you could upload them somewhere (or are they proprietary and hard earned knowledge, as many tour organisers consider)?
I really like taking pictures of people. It's always a challenge isn't it. The shot of the old woman was a very lucky grab shot on the phone as she didn't want to be photographed. I just distracted her with some money and snapped as soon as she turned away.
As for the "Let's Go".. that will be horses milk... yummy yummy... and those thick sausage/fat things are horse meat too. It's disgusting believe me.
We only had the guide for the Yurts up at the lake - you can find these other places easily enough but it's getting to know they're there that is the trick. Out in the Kyrgyzstan mountains though, the whole place is so beautiful that you can't fail to end up somewhere nice
Oh, and just one other quick thing (I don't want to disturb your writing - ha!) - what a neat idea you have generated as presents for your children - a fascinating representation of your global wanderings (mind you, you have to know what you are staring with them - travel like this is infectious and if not already in their genes, you are splicing-in some seriously dysfunctional wanderlust!).
By a very weird coincidence I was in Bangkok on Wednesday and in the hotel lobby (King Power Pullman) there were 5 sets of leathers/helmets gathered there as it poured with rain outside and of course, I had to ask if these belonged to 'westerners', thinking of your own journey. (Sadly, they weren't). That's about as close as I will come to your adventure this side of next spring !
mak595
Registered user
Fantastic reports, the place looks beautiful
I don't keep track logs, but I guess most of them are in my GPS so I could try and download them. On of the riders did a daily google route map I think. I'll see if I can put those together when I get time
I'm always happy to share though - I'm not fan of secrets so if anyone has any questions or wants details then I'd always be happy to help. You can do these trips alone or small groups without a problem
The China section is V expensive though and the bigger the group the better.The kids say they want to come with me and do it, but saying is one thing, and doing is another. They are both part of the 'always-on' generation and also wouldn't put up with the conditions, food and accommodation for 2 minutes!
Brilliant write up! 
One question though............ how much do you reckon you all paid in total fines / police donations?
That sort of thing makes me not want to visit the Russia / Stans region.
One question though............ how much do you reckon you all paid in total fines / police donations?
That sort of thing makes me not want to visit the Russia / Stans region.
Brilliant write up!
One question though............ how much do you reckon you all paid in total fines / police donations?
That sort of thing makes me not want to visit the Russia / Stans region.
Please don't let that stop you mate
I really used to worry about all this stuff but now it's just part of the game. It's not like getting stopped in the UK, or Europe, or the States. You know there isn't going to be trouble and forms and visits to the police station. It's just a matter of handing over a few quid and you're on your way. There is absolutely no point in trying to argue or get stressed about it. They've got all bloody day and they're happy to waste it with youI recon I got stopped maybe 10 times this trip, all in Kazak and Kyrgy. Maybe average £10 a time. If you crawl around the place and never go faster than the local traffic is going then you'll be fine and they won't bother you. They're not usually aggressive or threatening, they're just after a free meal
Please don't let that stop you mate
I recon I got stopped maybe 10 times this trip, all in Kazak and Kyrgy. Maybe average £10 a time. If you crawl around the place and never go faster than the local traffic is going then you'll be fine and they won't bother you. They're not usually aggressive or threatening, they're just after a free meal
Oh ok. Very little then. The way I was thinking it was more like hundreds every time.
What sort of range do you need your bikes to do between fuel stops? Do you have to carry extra with you?
This is the part where a million things can go wrong... Will the guide get here in time. Will all the paperwork be in order.. Did I remember to put everyone on the list... that would be embarrassing...
This border isn't the usual kind of thing. There is just a big fuck off fence, some solid, big closed gates and a few guards. You can't see anything the other side, just a road disappearing down hill. After about an hour I see our guide appear on the other side and I breath a sigh of relief. Let the waiting begin...
Waiting is a Chinese national pastime... and the border guards all hold Phd's in waiting techniques and execution. They would be displaying their certificates, but they're still waiting for them...
I have absolutely no idea why everything takes so long in China. I think it has something to do with the fact that everyone is always waiting for someone else to make a decision, and that person is waiting for someone else to make a decision... We get through the gates, which is a result, but it's only stage 1 or the 1000 stage process for entry... It's getting really cold now and starting to piss down. Perfect waiting weather..
Next stop is a semi-derelict building down the bottom of the hill. The barriers are up. It might be a lunch break.. we'll have to wait and see... We have to stand out in the rain for an hour until people start popping out the building and move the barrier then takes the bikes up to be searched. Don't get the idea this is anything organised though. You just dump luggage on a battered table outside in the rain and someone checks the zips and buckles work properly. Open...close... "ok". Brilliant.. They're always mob handed too. Why have one person doing a job when it would take 15 times as long to have 30 people doing it. Bikes searched we spend another hour waiting for the other people to finish their lunch break. Perhaps they only have a small canteen that can fit 2 people in and they have to do it in shifts.. that'll be it... In fact I think they just wanted to wait until the rain registered on their torrentialometer. It's gone off the top of the scale now so they stamp the paper, wave goodby and have another lunch break...
Kashgar is quite a way from here, down through the mountains. The road is a right shitter for miles and miles. Long sections of shitty loose gravel which is always fun when it's pissing down and you can't see WTF you're going. Loads of pea shingle too which is my absolute favourite, especially on corners. I wish all the worlds in the road were like this... NOT. It's not particularly hard, I'm just fucking useless and it really pisses me off. I've done many many thousands of miles on rough roads in all conditions from pitch dark to snow to 80mph cross winds and I'm still bloody useless at it. Its a confidence thing. I can get through pretty well anything but I find it flippin hard and scary. Having said that, this Ktm is a whole lot easier to ride in this stuff than my old GSA ever was. Maybe it can teach me..
Get to the customs post. Looks busy... could be quite a wait...
Looks like these officials failed their waiting exams. We're through pretty quick ..but... the guide tells me that a really big cheese from Beijing has just been put in charge of the region's Waiting and Piss Taking department. As he's new in post, he's keen to impress... so the bikes are going to be impounded overnight and we'll have to collect them from customs tomorrow. Fetty wank. So we ride the bikes up to the customs compound for inspection. All they have to do is check the vin numbers. That shouldn't take them long... I'm almost tempted to wait..
Now, I'll fully admit, if there was a worldwide competition for who was 'quickest to judge' every person they meet then I would win. Hands down. No question at all. This bloke was special though. There is little red sign tucked up in the corner of my brain somewhere behind a locked door. I'm not even sure it works any more. I can't even remember the last time it illuminated.. I ride the bike in and take my helmet off. I hear a voice behind me. It's speaking Chinese and I can't even see the owner but the my brain butler has run to the little door, rushed in and turned the sign on. In fact he is there quickly switching it on and off and on and off. This has never happened to me before. He has also sent his subordinates to raise all the hairs on my neck... He really has pushed out the boat out. So, I turn around and see the source of the noise. He's a stumpy little bloke swaggering about surrounded by little human flies. Like bluebottles round a cow pat. My brain butler has reached epileptic levels of light switching now and it's a blur.... And what does this sign say? "C*NT!!!!!".
Shit floats, and this little shit has floated to the top of his little pool and he's bobbing about shoving it in everyone's face. You just know this is going to be trouble. I have to keep away from him because my brain butler might take over my mouth and that would be bad at this point. Some of the other riders are seeing the same thing I'm sure, but some are antagonising him. Refusing to bend over and suck his toes. Result is, that checking 9 Vin numbers is going to take too long today, it is after all, nearly 3rd lunchtime, and we're going to have to wait... until tomorrow. The guide calls a bus in from Kashgar and we ride the 30 miles into the city on 4 wheels. Bastard...
Next day we have to go to plan 放. Ideally we would be heading to the vehicle inspection station to get the VINs checked (wait a minute....errr) and get the paperwork sorted but as the bikes are at the customs post, waiting to have their VINs checked, then we have to wait about until Little Chief stinky C*NT decides we can come and collect the bikes. The guide is still waiting for the call...
China. It's a real wonder they get anywhere sometimes... So, in an effort to get just something, anything done we decide to do so some simultaneous waiting.. We go to get some Chinese sims for our phones as it's by far the cheapest way for us to stay in touch out here. 7 sims.... oh, that'll be 4 hours of your precious life please... bargain... Thing is, you have to wait for 10 minutes every 15 minutes to let them go outside for a dance...
The clock ticks 1 second before the time that would mean we don't have enough time to get to the vehicle inspection station today and the big red C light illuminates on the guide's phone. It's God on the line and he says the bikes will be available at 2...
Get on a bus, all excited... yep... back on track.. all good... get to the customs station.... load the bikes... get on the bikes... ride up to the barrier.. that red light is going to go green any second and we're away... Then the clouds part, a big bright ray of light beams down, and suddenly Big Chief C appears wearing a massive cheesy grin that would make the Pope want to take a pop at him.
It appears that they have't checked the VINs yet.... Oh Jesus/Mohammed/Aizen-Myoo/Buddah/Donald Trump... please strike me down before I grab this little turd, debag him, bend him over, park my bike backwards up his arse and do a burn out...
He waits.... we wait... he waits... we wait... he waits until he is absolutely sure that we have no chance of making it to the vehicle inspection station, then he wanders around for 10 minutes checking VINs with some other big cheese that had nothing better to do...
He's going to open the barrier... he really is... I'm sure he is... hold on though... in one final act of defiance/giving us the finger, he only lets the bikes out in small groups... When I rule the world, this bloke is going to placed in a small metal box in a public square with just his bollocks hanging out. By the box I will place a bat, some pliers, a lighter, a soldering iron, a big jar of red ants, some safety pins and a sign inviting people to come up with innovative applications of aforementioned items to this tossers testicles.. not that I've thought about this at all your understand...
It's too late to get to the vehicle inspection station today now and so we'll have to go to plan 警方. Bollocksy boo. We will have to stay another day in Kaskgar and miss out a day later somewhere. But first we have to get some fuel. That shouldn't take long.... but wait... what's this...
There is only 1 fuel station between Naryn and Kashgar, and it's maybe 400km/250 miles. When some of the riders passed the fuel station it was invisible/shut. I carry some spare but not enough for everyone and we're not going to all make it to Kashgar from here. Getting fuel in this Xinjiang province is always difficult. All the fuel stations have barriers across. Even if you dodge the barriers the fuel pumps have to have a Chinese residents card presented to them before they will work. The pumps are all attended and on a bike they will only let you fill using 7Litre kettles. It's all about control. This region is regarded as a renegade area and it seems they need to be kept under close control, including their movements.
I left my Chinese residency card back in the UK, my bad. None of the bikes are even being allowed onto the forecourts. The guide is showing them all the permits and papers but they're just not having it. The guide has a local tourist police official with him but they're not having that either. It appears we fall into the 1% of situations their rules don't cover. The guide phones the local police...and we wait... After a considerable time, we all have to go up to the local police station and present our passports through a big gate, wait, then get letter signed that we take back to the fuel station. We then have to slowly fill the bikes with the kettles... So 3 hours later, it's getting late and we're finally off into Kashgar on the bikes... thanks for waiting...
Kashgar is a proper big city in the middle of absolutely nowhere. After the isolation of Kyrgyzstan, a city like this is a full on experience. Electric scooters are everywhere, sneaking up on you all the time and riding with complete abandon. The language, the food, the signs, everything is foreign. Excellent
So now we're a day behind and we just have to hope we can get the remaining paperwork done today so we can get the flock out of here. We ride out in the morning sun to the vehicle inspection station. We seem to be going all over the place, down across dusty unmade roads, over lots of rough ground and generally seem to be avoiding all tarmac whenever possible. We get to the vehicle inspection station and watch their morning dance. They look more like a rag tag army of prisoners than anything else. Employment is the name of the game though. Just employ them, then tell them to wait to be told what to do... I ask the guide about the route in. It's all because there are so many police checks on the route that we'd be all day getting across the city so, as usual, the army of ants just drive wherever they can to get where they want to go.
The station has to take rubbings.. yes really... of our VINs using special little white stickers. Once that's done these have to be taken up the road somewhere to another place where the have some special anti-rubbing technology that translates the rubbings back into characters on a piece of paper. It all makes perfect sense to me. So, only 5 hours and we can head back in to the city. We're all legal, and inspected, and VIN confirmed. That should make the accident I'm about to have so much easier to sort out when the police/ambulance/undertaker arrives.
I'm doing 60mph down a long straight road. There is a turning to my right that I'm not taking.. There is a car coming the other way about the same speed and he is indicating.. which is a shock in itself out here.. that he is going to turn left into the turning. "OK, he looks like he's slowing down a bit... all good". So I maintain 60 and approach...the end of my life.. As I get close to the junction, the driver decides he doesn't have time to wait, so he puts his foot down and without slowing down, he just turns right across the front of me. So now I've got a 100mph head on staring me in the face. There is a car behind him so I can't go round. Brakes are the only choice. Full on, headlight diving on to the road, brain pressed all the way to the front of my skull and my eyes popped out my head and pressing hard against my visor... he makes it across just a whisker before I slither past his tail. It's all over in a couple of bowel loosening seconds and he's away into the distance. Me, I've only got very sore eyes and a skidmark in my pants to show for the experience. I very much doubt this will be the last time this happens out here. Welcome to China..
Next day, we're up early and ready to go. We head out of the city. There isn't much of anything outside town so we all need to get fuel. You'd think it would be easier inside the city.. you would though wouldn't you? Are you fucking stupid!! Of course it isn't. It's just as much of a head fuck as it is in the whole bloody region. Get to a big fuel station. Get to the barrier. No. Get the guide. No. Show the paperwork. No. Wait.. yes. It's flippin unbelievable. The guide phones a police station, then I follow him miles across the city to visit it in person. We go in, get shunted from one room to another then eventually get delivered to a room with a huge piece of cheese on the door. The top man's den. He's there, only visible from the neck down as he's simultaneously smoking at least a dozen cigarettes, drinking coffee and having his toes sucked by new recruits. One of his bitches places our piece of paper in front of him and a hand appears out of the cloud to scribble an unintelligible signature than I could have done myself, then we're gone and back to the fuel station. I think the riders are getting used to waiting already, and that can only be a good thing. They've all just switched themselves off. All like little robots that didn't use Duracell and have run out of battery. I go round and jump start them all, get to the pumps and we all fuel up and ride off out into the unknown.
The riding is pretty easy out towards Hotan. I'm hoping the riders are using it as an acclimatisation day. I've warned everyone about the standard of driving out here but there is no substitute for experience. I think that China is the most consistently dangerous country that I've ever ridden in. They seem to have to concern for human life at all. There are lots of places where the riding is very difficult and dangerous, and I have ridden many miles in a lot of them, but China is outstanding in it's complete and utter road madness. Don't take my word for it. "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough "as the saying goes
We get towards Hotan and we meet up with the guide to get more fuel. We're following him in and the road madness is really beginning. We're overtaken by a 40ft truck. We're in the outside lane of an open dual carriageway and he is now in the fast lane of the opposite carriageway. The bloke is absolutely mad and there is traffic diving off in all directions to get out of his way. There is nowhere for him to pull back in so he's getting faster and faster, making it ever more dangerous. I advised the riders to just pull out of things like this, just pull back and make a gap and keep us all alive but I'm not sure they heard me. One decides to play with the truck and block his route back in. Fuck me! This is going to end very badly very soon. The truck is torn between just swatting the rider like a small fly, or keeping his foot down and speeding up past more traffic. You see his smoke stacks light up with a big belch of black soot as he goes for the pass. He's been in the opposite carriageway for 30 seconds or more and he's really moving now. It's chaos on the other side as this bloody thing hurtles down the road and anything in the way is going to be toast. Just in time he veers back in and avoids a huge stacking into another truck and we all live to see another day/accident. You see this stuff in India, at about 20mph. Out here it's all first world vehicles and roads, and it's first world speeds. It's just another level of madness.
Get to the fuel stop and I loose the plot. I know I shouldn't. I just can't help myself. The bloke who blocked the truck is a really nice fella, and he's my room mate too. I'm just so pumped up at seeing such a close accident that I can't help myself. This could have all ended in a big pile of bones and blood. He's not happy about being mauled and I understand that. I've just never been so convinced we were all going down in swarm of bent metal and screams. Rant over, and we approach the barrier. No. "Oh fuck off, this is not happening again..." Someone comes over and releases my special external blood pressure valve and as the fluid jets from my veins, I calm down and convince myself that I must...just....wait.... I look around and the others see the same. They've all shut down again. The world has stopped... The guide speaks to someone that phones someone that asks someone and eventually we go to get fuel. One by one. Only one bike allowed in the station at once.. served in between the line of locals... 9 bikes. 3 hours..
So now it's dark. The crazyometer goes way up after dark. They think if you can't see their faces then it's OK to do things that they would never even think of doing in daylight. I wouldn't think that was a very big list of things to be honest, but it really is.
I fitted a big fuck off sound bomb horn to the Ktm before I came out, and tonight I might as well tape the horn button down. I stay at the back as a defensive outrider, trying to fend off all the fucking maniacs that think a car can fit into a 6 inch gap between 2 bikes. I use the bike as a weapon, that's the only way. I veer towards the drivers windows, horn full on, hands out balled as fists. I ride across them, block them, brake in front of them, anything to try and keep the riders in front of me as safe as possible. I quite enjoy it to be fair, but it's full on dangerous and occasionally you get drivers that are absolutely not going to back off regardless. They'll actually touch you and you'll feel a nudge as you're riding. Then it's time to just move over or die.
We get to the hotel with the sound of the sound bomb still ringing in our ears. It's very late and so dinner is a grab and go from a greasy fast food place round the corner. God knows what the food is coated in though. It reckon its the same stuff they coat condoms with. You put in in your mouth and it just slides down your throat like a slug of slippery flem. Disgusting...
We're off to start our journey across the Taklamakan desert today. It's pretty big. It's about the size of Germany. It's going to be a few dull days where if you don't like sand, you're going to get pretty bored.
Crossing a desert always sounds exciting and scary and an adventure but in truth there is a long dull road straight through it.
The road is punctuated by small towns where people take advantage of the sun to dry their nuts.
Some of the towns are just the same sorts of strips you'll see in the USA, or maybe would have seen 200 years ago. Run down holes selling/making/mending whatever. People has split up today to see how we get on getting fuel in smaller numbers. 2 of us pull in to a station, ride right round the barrier and park with all the little bikes. A bit of laughing and joking and picture taking and one of the men uses his residents card to let us have fuel. See, they're all renegades out here at heart.
Pull away from the fuel stop and immediately see the aftermath of a big, lorry based accident. Fuel, blood, glass everywhere. I hope the others take a note.
We're off down a dual carriageway again but this one has barriers both sides and in the middle. We've got to be safe here right? Nobody can pull out on us, nobody can get in our lanes, nobody except the women.. with the carpets..
We seem to have hit upon China's carpet capital by mistake. There are women everywhere rushing too and from the sides of the road to the central reservation carrying small carpets/rugs. They're using the central reservation as a sort of clothes line to drape the carpets over to dry. Of course they are.
Get to Minfeng and quite a nice hotel amongst the ruins of a town. Take a quick look round to see if I can get a haircut. Nobody wants to know. All the shops look exactly the same from the outside, you've no chance of identifying anything so I walk back to the hotel disappointed, my hair dragging along the pavement behind me.
As we leave Minfeng, the desert proper starts to appear. Little or nothing of anything for long distances. Fuel stations every so often but not much else. Getting fuel is usually fine out here. The further you're away from the authorities the less people worry. Still usually have to fill up with kettles but that's no big deal really.
I'm riding alone at the back today. Acting sweeper. I pull over for something to eat at a stall by the side of the road. It's a popular place. All the local flies eat here. No choice though, there is nothing else about and this is the first place with human life in I've seen since leaving town so I park, get in the shade and ask a pretty young lady to chuck something together for me. She chops and frys and pours some slithering concoction on to a plate for me and I chat to the randoms all sitting around slurping their noodles. They're really excited to see a UK passport with the stamps in. They're all friendly and nice and just passing the time. Lunch over I get back on the bike, turn the key, and watch... a red light starts flashing, the engine light comes on, and the starter button is dead. Fuck. Do it again. Same thing. And again. And again. Brilliant. My bike is dead in the middle of the bloody desert. I dick about changing settings, in/out of gear, clutch in/out, nothing. I roll the bike about a bit in/out of gear. Put it on the centre stand. Then suddenly it's all ok again. It starts up. WTF was that all about? That's really not funny. Seriously.
Ride the bike to Charkilik trying to figure out what just happened. The bike is running fine now. Starts every time I try it. Why did it do that? That's twice the electrics have gone mental on me now. If I could swap a year of my life in return for my old GSA to be under my arse right now I'd do it. Some bloody spotty twat in Austria has probably put a bug in the software somewhere that's giving me all this pain and grief out in the Chinese desert. He's probably playing Call of Duty and doesn't have a care in the world. When I rule the world, I'll make him play call of duty 3D, in Kabul, painted in a USA flag and with only a water pistol. These bloody things aren't proper adventure bikes. They're like fucking motorcycle supermodels. Fantastic to ride when they're in the mood but prone to spit the dummy at the smallest provocation. Bitch. This is really going to haunt me now.
Make it to Charkilik without any more problems and take a walk around another faceless Chinese town. We go out to look for dinner. One of the blokes heads out to do a recce with the guide. They have a couple of places the hotel has recommended. The first place is closed. The 2nd place is currently on fire, with everyone standing outside watching the flames. Greasy snot lubricated chicken it is then.
I go for a massage through a small dark door in town. This woman knows what she's doing and she's got hands that could squeeze blood out of a.. well.. anything she put her hand around.. She's also got another agenda in her mind and starts doing some fexting with me. It's like sexting, but just using fingers. I'm sure you get the drift. She's looking to make a few extra quid on the side..or on her back.. or with her bum in the air...
Back to the hotel in the dark with my mind just going round and round. I need to start learning K'tmish and have a word with The Bitch. Find out what the hell she's so bloody upset about. I just need to translate "Just exactly what is your fucking problem?" and then take it from there. Maybe I should buy her some bloody flowers or something.
Heading out of town again and through more desert today. These places are properly isolated. 100s of miles of sweet FA between them. They're still building shed loads of new housing though. Who on earth would want to come and live in a place like this. I come across some roadworks. They're fixing the cracks and holes in the road, which is good. They're fixing them by pouring molten tar from kettles into the holes... which is probably not so good.
The desert today is even more deserted than the last couple of days have been. There is just bugger all out here. Just nothing.
A petrol station appears like a mirage. Just the station. Nothing else in sight. Go in, get sent straight out. I've got to fuel up off the forecourt. It would be really bad if there was a fire or explosions out here obviously. Millions of... pieces of sand might get injured. Ridiculous. I put in a couple of kettles, turn the key, and it's dead again. Fuck this. Another 5 minutes of playing, praying, and promising my soul to the devil and it decides to start again. Shit. I just do not need this. I'm wondering what the world record for leaving a motorcycle ticking over is. If I start now, then I reckon a month should do it. Wanker. Immobilisers have absolutely no place on these bikes. Tit wank!
The bike is fine when it's running. Absolutely no problem at all. Ride to the outskirts of the town where we're staying and see the others parked by the roadside, eating and resting from the heat. Before I know what I've done I turn the bike off. Shiiiiiiiit. So I restart it. No problem. OK. It's fine again. Turn it off and go for some food. Come out, turn the key, dead again. This time it takes about 15 minutes before it starts again. This is doing my bloody hear in. There is absolutely nothing you can do about this without the Ktm mother ship. You're absolutely screwed.
Get to the hotel and get on the web. It's certainly not a common fault, which is really helpful of course. People suggest the side stand switch but that's not going to make the engine light come on. I know it's the immobiliser. I thought today it could be the key so I dig the spare out of the bottom of the pannier and try that. The bike starts but that's no guarantee of anything.
Go out for dinner but I'm not hungry. I can't sleep and spend a couple of hours just wandering around the city in the dark. I come to a load of shops but you have to go through a police turnstyle to get in. 50% of the shops are still open, even though its nearly midnight. I find a hairdresser and let 2 women get at me with some clippers. That's a weight of my mind anyway
Next day we're heading out of Xinjiang province which will make life a little bit easier. You might even be able to fill the bike up at a pump. You never know your luck! We're at the edge of the desert now thank God and suddenly a moonscape just appears out of nowhere. After all the boredom of the last few days, it's so refreshing to have something for your eyes to do.
I guess this is the start of the big fellas we'll be meeting in a few days. We spend a fantastic hour swerving through the curves before popping out into some sort of mountain assembly zone. You just can't see the scale of these places from the pictures. It's just a massive massive plain with baby mountains being born in it. A mountain nursery. The rocks are all being slowly folded and pushed together in a production line that runs from one horizon to the other. It's one of those believe it or not views. It's amazing.
The border between the Xinjiang and Qinghai provinces is up in the mountains. The scale is such that you just don't think about it. We're at maybe 3000m here but it's flat to the horizon in all directions. Get to the border and ... I'll give you three guesses... but if you use more than one then you've not been listening.
There are petrol stations just over the border and we go to the pumps to fill up. Just to treat ourselves. I nearly go full out and buy myself a My Little Pony helicopter. Just what you need out here in the middle of fucking nowhere.
Bloody cold up here with a piercingly bright sun. Ride up to Huatugou to for the night. Looks like a military town. The traffic is 90% Chummers (Chinese Hummers!) going round and round and round in circles. Get to the hotel, off the bike and my eyes are immediately drawn to 2 partially dressed young women that look like they've just coming off shift at an 'army personnel servicing facility'. I'm hypnotised by their hips and I run across a road trying to get a picture, oblivious to the oncoming Chummers and traffic hooting and standing on the brakes. I just can't help it... I'm in some sort of spell... help me... I have the perfect shot all framed, press the button... "Out of storage.." Buggering bum flaps. By the time I've sorted that out they're out of sight and I'm standing in the middle of the road in a puddle of dribble.
A couple of us go in search of somewhere to change our oil. We just ride about in ever increasing circles until we find a bike garage/scrap yard. We bought some oil in the city a few days ago but these boys just have an official oil recycling facility/big hole round the back where they can dispose of the oil in a responsible/nobody will know fashion. We just park up amonst the mess and they run about helping. Not a word is said. Exchange a few quid for a toothless smile and a handshake and we're on our way.
We've been working to unofficial Kashgar time for the last week or so but now we've got to bite the bullet and go to Beijing time which means we've lost another 2 hours. It's late and the only food is at a hotel round the corner. The kitchen is closing and we just manage to get a few random dishes out to the table. Luckily for me they still had some chicken heads left. Oh yes... luuuuurvery
Across the road from the hotel is a comfy looking bar. It looks just so wrong. WTF is someone doing opening a comfy modern bar in the middle of this shit hole. Perhaps it's not real. Perhaps it's a honey trap to test the resolve of the locals. Who cares. We go in, fall into a comfy leather couch in the warm and offer coffee. Beautiful beautiful coffee. And only £1000 a cup. The owner is a young Chinese man who speaks perfect english. It's like China stops at the front door. It's just odd. We sit for an hour and chat, watching the Chummers as they roll past testing their flashing blue lights. It's quite intimidating. They know we're in here and eventually they can't resist it any longer. They stop and get out and come in. "Just be cool" is the advice from the owner. A few minutes of negotiation and fast Chinese and they're gone into the night. We take it as our signal to leave and we skulk back through the cold and dark to bed.
Next morning it's out into the cold bright morning. Spend the day fighting freezing cold, rain, sandstorms and polished road surfaces to Gulmid.
A faceless hotel in a faceless city. We go out and get a last good meal down us. Tomorrow we take a deep breath and head for the sky. Tibet. I can't wait.
This border isn't the usual kind of thing. There is just a big fuck off fence, some solid, big closed gates and a few guards. You can't see anything the other side, just a road disappearing down hill. After about an hour I see our guide appear on the other side and I breath a sigh of relief. Let the waiting begin...
Waiting is a Chinese national pastime... and the border guards all hold Phd's in waiting techniques and execution. They would be displaying their certificates, but they're still waiting for them...
I have absolutely no idea why everything takes so long in China. I think it has something to do with the fact that everyone is always waiting for someone else to make a decision, and that person is waiting for someone else to make a decision... We get through the gates, which is a result, but it's only stage 1 or the 1000 stage process for entry... It's getting really cold now and starting to piss down. Perfect waiting weather..
Next stop is a semi-derelict building down the bottom of the hill. The barriers are up. It might be a lunch break.. we'll have to wait and see... We have to stand out in the rain for an hour until people start popping out the building and move the barrier then takes the bikes up to be searched. Don't get the idea this is anything organised though. You just dump luggage on a battered table outside in the rain and someone checks the zips and buckles work properly. Open...close... "ok". Brilliant.. They're always mob handed too. Why have one person doing a job when it would take 15 times as long to have 30 people doing it. Bikes searched we spend another hour waiting for the other people to finish their lunch break. Perhaps they only have a small canteen that can fit 2 people in and they have to do it in shifts.. that'll be it... In fact I think they just wanted to wait until the rain registered on their torrentialometer. It's gone off the top of the scale now so they stamp the paper, wave goodby and have another lunch break...
Kashgar is quite a way from here, down through the mountains. The road is a right shitter for miles and miles. Long sections of shitty loose gravel which is always fun when it's pissing down and you can't see WTF you're going. Loads of pea shingle too which is my absolute favourite, especially on corners. I wish all the worlds in the road were like this... NOT. It's not particularly hard, I'm just fucking useless and it really pisses me off. I've done many many thousands of miles on rough roads in all conditions from pitch dark to snow to 80mph cross winds and I'm still bloody useless at it. Its a confidence thing. I can get through pretty well anything but I find it flippin hard and scary. Having said that, this Ktm is a whole lot easier to ride in this stuff than my old GSA ever was. Maybe it can teach me..
Get to the customs post. Looks busy... could be quite a wait...
Looks like these officials failed their waiting exams. We're through pretty quick ..but... the guide tells me that a really big cheese from Beijing has just been put in charge of the region's Waiting and Piss Taking department. As he's new in post, he's keen to impress... so the bikes are going to be impounded overnight and we'll have to collect them from customs tomorrow. Fetty wank. So we ride the bikes up to the customs compound for inspection. All they have to do is check the vin numbers. That shouldn't take them long... I'm almost tempted to wait..
Now, I'll fully admit, if there was a worldwide competition for who was 'quickest to judge' every person they meet then I would win. Hands down. No question at all. This bloke was special though. There is little red sign tucked up in the corner of my brain somewhere behind a locked door. I'm not even sure it works any more. I can't even remember the last time it illuminated.. I ride the bike in and take my helmet off. I hear a voice behind me. It's speaking Chinese and I can't even see the owner but the my brain butler has run to the little door, rushed in and turned the sign on. In fact he is there quickly switching it on and off and on and off. This has never happened to me before. He has also sent his subordinates to raise all the hairs on my neck... He really has pushed out the boat out. So, I turn around and see the source of the noise. He's a stumpy little bloke swaggering about surrounded by little human flies. Like bluebottles round a cow pat. My brain butler has reached epileptic levels of light switching now and it's a blur.... And what does this sign say? "C*NT!!!!!".
Shit floats, and this little shit has floated to the top of his little pool and he's bobbing about shoving it in everyone's face. You just know this is going to be trouble. I have to keep away from him because my brain butler might take over my mouth and that would be bad at this point. Some of the other riders are seeing the same thing I'm sure, but some are antagonising him. Refusing to bend over and suck his toes. Result is, that checking 9 Vin numbers is going to take too long today, it is after all, nearly 3rd lunchtime, and we're going to have to wait... until tomorrow. The guide calls a bus in from Kashgar and we ride the 30 miles into the city on 4 wheels. Bastard...
Next day we have to go to plan 放. Ideally we would be heading to the vehicle inspection station to get the VINs checked (wait a minute....errr) and get the paperwork sorted but as the bikes are at the customs post, waiting to have their VINs checked, then we have to wait about until Little Chief stinky C*NT decides we can come and collect the bikes. The guide is still waiting for the call...
China. It's a real wonder they get anywhere sometimes... So, in an effort to get just something, anything done we decide to do so some simultaneous waiting.. We go to get some Chinese sims for our phones as it's by far the cheapest way for us to stay in touch out here. 7 sims.... oh, that'll be 4 hours of your precious life please... bargain... Thing is, you have to wait for 10 minutes every 15 minutes to let them go outside for a dance...
The clock ticks 1 second before the time that would mean we don't have enough time to get to the vehicle inspection station today and the big red C light illuminates on the guide's phone. It's God on the line and he says the bikes will be available at 2...
Get on a bus, all excited... yep... back on track.. all good... get to the customs station.... load the bikes... get on the bikes... ride up to the barrier.. that red light is going to go green any second and we're away... Then the clouds part, a big bright ray of light beams down, and suddenly Big Chief C appears wearing a massive cheesy grin that would make the Pope want to take a pop at him.
It appears that they have't checked the VINs yet.... Oh Jesus/Mohammed/Aizen-Myoo/Buddah/Donald Trump... please strike me down before I grab this little turd, debag him, bend him over, park my bike backwards up his arse and do a burn out...
He waits.... we wait... he waits... we wait... he waits until he is absolutely sure that we have no chance of making it to the vehicle inspection station, then he wanders around for 10 minutes checking VINs with some other big cheese that had nothing better to do...
He's going to open the barrier... he really is... I'm sure he is... hold on though... in one final act of defiance/giving us the finger, he only lets the bikes out in small groups... When I rule the world, this bloke is going to placed in a small metal box in a public square with just his bollocks hanging out. By the box I will place a bat, some pliers, a lighter, a soldering iron, a big jar of red ants, some safety pins and a sign inviting people to come up with innovative applications of aforementioned items to this tossers testicles.. not that I've thought about this at all your understand...
It's too late to get to the vehicle inspection station today now and so we'll have to go to plan 警方. Bollocksy boo. We will have to stay another day in Kaskgar and miss out a day later somewhere. But first we have to get some fuel. That shouldn't take long.... but wait... what's this...
There is only 1 fuel station between Naryn and Kashgar, and it's maybe 400km/250 miles. When some of the riders passed the fuel station it was invisible/shut. I carry some spare but not enough for everyone and we're not going to all make it to Kashgar from here. Getting fuel in this Xinjiang province is always difficult. All the fuel stations have barriers across. Even if you dodge the barriers the fuel pumps have to have a Chinese residents card presented to them before they will work. The pumps are all attended and on a bike they will only let you fill using 7Litre kettles. It's all about control. This region is regarded as a renegade area and it seems they need to be kept under close control, including their movements.
I left my Chinese residency card back in the UK, my bad. None of the bikes are even being allowed onto the forecourts. The guide is showing them all the permits and papers but they're just not having it. The guide has a local tourist police official with him but they're not having that either. It appears we fall into the 1% of situations their rules don't cover. The guide phones the local police...and we wait... After a considerable time, we all have to go up to the local police station and present our passports through a big gate, wait, then get letter signed that we take back to the fuel station. We then have to slowly fill the bikes with the kettles... So 3 hours later, it's getting late and we're finally off into Kashgar on the bikes... thanks for waiting...
Kashgar is a proper big city in the middle of absolutely nowhere. After the isolation of Kyrgyzstan, a city like this is a full on experience. Electric scooters are everywhere, sneaking up on you all the time and riding with complete abandon. The language, the food, the signs, everything is foreign. Excellent
So now we're a day behind and we just have to hope we can get the remaining paperwork done today so we can get the flock out of here. We ride out in the morning sun to the vehicle inspection station. We seem to be going all over the place, down across dusty unmade roads, over lots of rough ground and generally seem to be avoiding all tarmac whenever possible. We get to the vehicle inspection station and watch their morning dance. They look more like a rag tag army of prisoners than anything else. Employment is the name of the game though. Just employ them, then tell them to wait to be told what to do... I ask the guide about the route in. It's all because there are so many police checks on the route that we'd be all day getting across the city so, as usual, the army of ants just drive wherever they can to get where they want to go.
The station has to take rubbings.. yes really... of our VINs using special little white stickers. Once that's done these have to be taken up the road somewhere to another place where the have some special anti-rubbing technology that translates the rubbings back into characters on a piece of paper. It all makes perfect sense to me. So, only 5 hours and we can head back in to the city. We're all legal, and inspected, and VIN confirmed. That should make the accident I'm about to have so much easier to sort out when the police/ambulance/undertaker arrives.
I'm doing 60mph down a long straight road. There is a turning to my right that I'm not taking.. There is a car coming the other way about the same speed and he is indicating.. which is a shock in itself out here.. that he is going to turn left into the turning. "OK, he looks like he's slowing down a bit... all good". So I maintain 60 and approach...the end of my life.. As I get close to the junction, the driver decides he doesn't have time to wait, so he puts his foot down and without slowing down, he just turns right across the front of me. So now I've got a 100mph head on staring me in the face. There is a car behind him so I can't go round. Brakes are the only choice. Full on, headlight diving on to the road, brain pressed all the way to the front of my skull and my eyes popped out my head and pressing hard against my visor... he makes it across just a whisker before I slither past his tail. It's all over in a couple of bowel loosening seconds and he's away into the distance. Me, I've only got very sore eyes and a skidmark in my pants to show for the experience. I very much doubt this will be the last time this happens out here. Welcome to China..
Next day, we're up early and ready to go. We head out of the city. There isn't much of anything outside town so we all need to get fuel. You'd think it would be easier inside the city.. you would though wouldn't you? Are you fucking stupid!! Of course it isn't. It's just as much of a head fuck as it is in the whole bloody region. Get to a big fuel station. Get to the barrier. No. Get the guide. No. Show the paperwork. No. Wait.. yes. It's flippin unbelievable. The guide phones a police station, then I follow him miles across the city to visit it in person. We go in, get shunted from one room to another then eventually get delivered to a room with a huge piece of cheese on the door. The top man's den. He's there, only visible from the neck down as he's simultaneously smoking at least a dozen cigarettes, drinking coffee and having his toes sucked by new recruits. One of his bitches places our piece of paper in front of him and a hand appears out of the cloud to scribble an unintelligible signature than I could have done myself, then we're gone and back to the fuel station. I think the riders are getting used to waiting already, and that can only be a good thing. They've all just switched themselves off. All like little robots that didn't use Duracell and have run out of battery. I go round and jump start them all, get to the pumps and we all fuel up and ride off out into the unknown.
The riding is pretty easy out towards Hotan. I'm hoping the riders are using it as an acclimatisation day. I've warned everyone about the standard of driving out here but there is no substitute for experience. I think that China is the most consistently dangerous country that I've ever ridden in. They seem to have to concern for human life at all. There are lots of places where the riding is very difficult and dangerous, and I have ridden many miles in a lot of them, but China is outstanding in it's complete and utter road madness. Don't take my word for it. "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough "as the saying goes
We get towards Hotan and we meet up with the guide to get more fuel. We're following him in and the road madness is really beginning. We're overtaken by a 40ft truck. We're in the outside lane of an open dual carriageway and he is now in the fast lane of the opposite carriageway. The bloke is absolutely mad and there is traffic diving off in all directions to get out of his way. There is nowhere for him to pull back in so he's getting faster and faster, making it ever more dangerous. I advised the riders to just pull out of things like this, just pull back and make a gap and keep us all alive but I'm not sure they heard me. One decides to play with the truck and block his route back in. Fuck me! This is going to end very badly very soon. The truck is torn between just swatting the rider like a small fly, or keeping his foot down and speeding up past more traffic. You see his smoke stacks light up with a big belch of black soot as he goes for the pass. He's been in the opposite carriageway for 30 seconds or more and he's really moving now. It's chaos on the other side as this bloody thing hurtles down the road and anything in the way is going to be toast. Just in time he veers back in and avoids a huge stacking into another truck and we all live to see another day/accident. You see this stuff in India, at about 20mph. Out here it's all first world vehicles and roads, and it's first world speeds. It's just another level of madness.
Get to the fuel stop and I loose the plot. I know I shouldn't. I just can't help myself. The bloke who blocked the truck is a really nice fella, and he's my room mate too. I'm just so pumped up at seeing such a close accident that I can't help myself. This could have all ended in a big pile of bones and blood. He's not happy about being mauled and I understand that. I've just never been so convinced we were all going down in swarm of bent metal and screams. Rant over, and we approach the barrier. No. "Oh fuck off, this is not happening again..." Someone comes over and releases my special external blood pressure valve and as the fluid jets from my veins, I calm down and convince myself that I must...just....wait.... I look around and the others see the same. They've all shut down again. The world has stopped... The guide speaks to someone that phones someone that asks someone and eventually we go to get fuel. One by one. Only one bike allowed in the station at once.. served in between the line of locals... 9 bikes. 3 hours..
So now it's dark. The crazyometer goes way up after dark. They think if you can't see their faces then it's OK to do things that they would never even think of doing in daylight. I wouldn't think that was a very big list of things to be honest, but it really is.
I fitted a big fuck off sound bomb horn to the Ktm before I came out, and tonight I might as well tape the horn button down. I stay at the back as a defensive outrider, trying to fend off all the fucking maniacs that think a car can fit into a 6 inch gap between 2 bikes. I use the bike as a weapon, that's the only way. I veer towards the drivers windows, horn full on, hands out balled as fists. I ride across them, block them, brake in front of them, anything to try and keep the riders in front of me as safe as possible. I quite enjoy it to be fair, but it's full on dangerous and occasionally you get drivers that are absolutely not going to back off regardless. They'll actually touch you and you'll feel a nudge as you're riding. Then it's time to just move over or die.
We get to the hotel with the sound of the sound bomb still ringing in our ears. It's very late and so dinner is a grab and go from a greasy fast food place round the corner. God knows what the food is coated in though. It reckon its the same stuff they coat condoms with. You put in in your mouth and it just slides down your throat like a slug of slippery flem. Disgusting...
We're off to start our journey across the Taklamakan desert today. It's pretty big. It's about the size of Germany. It's going to be a few dull days where if you don't like sand, you're going to get pretty bored.
Crossing a desert always sounds exciting and scary and an adventure but in truth there is a long dull road straight through it.
The road is punctuated by small towns where people take advantage of the sun to dry their nuts.
Some of the towns are just the same sorts of strips you'll see in the USA, or maybe would have seen 200 years ago. Run down holes selling/making/mending whatever. People has split up today to see how we get on getting fuel in smaller numbers. 2 of us pull in to a station, ride right round the barrier and park with all the little bikes. A bit of laughing and joking and picture taking and one of the men uses his residents card to let us have fuel. See, they're all renegades out here at heart.
Pull away from the fuel stop and immediately see the aftermath of a big, lorry based accident. Fuel, blood, glass everywhere. I hope the others take a note.
We're off down a dual carriageway again but this one has barriers both sides and in the middle. We've got to be safe here right? Nobody can pull out on us, nobody can get in our lanes, nobody except the women.. with the carpets..
We seem to have hit upon China's carpet capital by mistake. There are women everywhere rushing too and from the sides of the road to the central reservation carrying small carpets/rugs. They're using the central reservation as a sort of clothes line to drape the carpets over to dry. Of course they are.
Get to Minfeng and quite a nice hotel amongst the ruins of a town. Take a quick look round to see if I can get a haircut. Nobody wants to know. All the shops look exactly the same from the outside, you've no chance of identifying anything so I walk back to the hotel disappointed, my hair dragging along the pavement behind me.
As we leave Minfeng, the desert proper starts to appear. Little or nothing of anything for long distances. Fuel stations every so often but not much else. Getting fuel is usually fine out here. The further you're away from the authorities the less people worry. Still usually have to fill up with kettles but that's no big deal really.
I'm riding alone at the back today. Acting sweeper. I pull over for something to eat at a stall by the side of the road. It's a popular place. All the local flies eat here. No choice though, there is nothing else about and this is the first place with human life in I've seen since leaving town so I park, get in the shade and ask a pretty young lady to chuck something together for me. She chops and frys and pours some slithering concoction on to a plate for me and I chat to the randoms all sitting around slurping their noodles. They're really excited to see a UK passport with the stamps in. They're all friendly and nice and just passing the time. Lunch over I get back on the bike, turn the key, and watch... a red light starts flashing, the engine light comes on, and the starter button is dead. Fuck. Do it again. Same thing. And again. And again. Brilliant. My bike is dead in the middle of the bloody desert. I dick about changing settings, in/out of gear, clutch in/out, nothing. I roll the bike about a bit in/out of gear. Put it on the centre stand. Then suddenly it's all ok again. It starts up. WTF was that all about? That's really not funny. Seriously.
Ride the bike to Charkilik trying to figure out what just happened. The bike is running fine now. Starts every time I try it. Why did it do that? That's twice the electrics have gone mental on me now. If I could swap a year of my life in return for my old GSA to be under my arse right now I'd do it. Some bloody spotty twat in Austria has probably put a bug in the software somewhere that's giving me all this pain and grief out in the Chinese desert. He's probably playing Call of Duty and doesn't have a care in the world. When I rule the world, I'll make him play call of duty 3D, in Kabul, painted in a USA flag and with only a water pistol. These bloody things aren't proper adventure bikes. They're like fucking motorcycle supermodels. Fantastic to ride when they're in the mood but prone to spit the dummy at the smallest provocation. Bitch. This is really going to haunt me now.
Make it to Charkilik without any more problems and take a walk around another faceless Chinese town. We go out to look for dinner. One of the blokes heads out to do a recce with the guide. They have a couple of places the hotel has recommended. The first place is closed. The 2nd place is currently on fire, with everyone standing outside watching the flames. Greasy snot lubricated chicken it is then.
I go for a massage through a small dark door in town. This woman knows what she's doing and she's got hands that could squeeze blood out of a.. well.. anything she put her hand around.. She's also got another agenda in her mind and starts doing some fexting with me. It's like sexting, but just using fingers. I'm sure you get the drift. She's looking to make a few extra quid on the side..or on her back.. or with her bum in the air...
Back to the hotel in the dark with my mind just going round and round. I need to start learning K'tmish and have a word with The Bitch. Find out what the hell she's so bloody upset about. I just need to translate "Just exactly what is your fucking problem?" and then take it from there. Maybe I should buy her some bloody flowers or something.
Heading out of town again and through more desert today. These places are properly isolated. 100s of miles of sweet FA between them. They're still building shed loads of new housing though. Who on earth would want to come and live in a place like this. I come across some roadworks. They're fixing the cracks and holes in the road, which is good. They're fixing them by pouring molten tar from kettles into the holes... which is probably not so good.
The desert today is even more deserted than the last couple of days have been. There is just bugger all out here. Just nothing.
A petrol station appears like a mirage. Just the station. Nothing else in sight. Go in, get sent straight out. I've got to fuel up off the forecourt. It would be really bad if there was a fire or explosions out here obviously. Millions of... pieces of sand might get injured. Ridiculous. I put in a couple of kettles, turn the key, and it's dead again. Fuck this. Another 5 minutes of playing, praying, and promising my soul to the devil and it decides to start again. Shit. I just do not need this. I'm wondering what the world record for leaving a motorcycle ticking over is. If I start now, then I reckon a month should do it. Wanker. Immobilisers have absolutely no place on these bikes. Tit wank!
The bike is fine when it's running. Absolutely no problem at all. Ride to the outskirts of the town where we're staying and see the others parked by the roadside, eating and resting from the heat. Before I know what I've done I turn the bike off. Shiiiiiiiit. So I restart it. No problem. OK. It's fine again. Turn it off and go for some food. Come out, turn the key, dead again. This time it takes about 15 minutes before it starts again. This is doing my bloody hear in. There is absolutely nothing you can do about this without the Ktm mother ship. You're absolutely screwed.
Get to the hotel and get on the web. It's certainly not a common fault, which is really helpful of course. People suggest the side stand switch but that's not going to make the engine light come on. I know it's the immobiliser. I thought today it could be the key so I dig the spare out of the bottom of the pannier and try that. The bike starts but that's no guarantee of anything.
Go out for dinner but I'm not hungry. I can't sleep and spend a couple of hours just wandering around the city in the dark. I come to a load of shops but you have to go through a police turnstyle to get in. 50% of the shops are still open, even though its nearly midnight. I find a hairdresser and let 2 women get at me with some clippers. That's a weight of my mind anyway
Next day we're heading out of Xinjiang province which will make life a little bit easier. You might even be able to fill the bike up at a pump. You never know your luck! We're at the edge of the desert now thank God and suddenly a moonscape just appears out of nowhere. After all the boredom of the last few days, it's so refreshing to have something for your eyes to do.
I guess this is the start of the big fellas we'll be meeting in a few days. We spend a fantastic hour swerving through the curves before popping out into some sort of mountain assembly zone. You just can't see the scale of these places from the pictures. It's just a massive massive plain with baby mountains being born in it. A mountain nursery. The rocks are all being slowly folded and pushed together in a production line that runs from one horizon to the other. It's one of those believe it or not views. It's amazing.
The border between the Xinjiang and Qinghai provinces is up in the mountains. The scale is such that you just don't think about it. We're at maybe 3000m here but it's flat to the horizon in all directions. Get to the border and ... I'll give you three guesses... but if you use more than one then you've not been listening.
There are petrol stations just over the border and we go to the pumps to fill up. Just to treat ourselves. I nearly go full out and buy myself a My Little Pony helicopter. Just what you need out here in the middle of fucking nowhere.
Bloody cold up here with a piercingly bright sun. Ride up to Huatugou to for the night. Looks like a military town. The traffic is 90% Chummers (Chinese Hummers!) going round and round and round in circles. Get to the hotel, off the bike and my eyes are immediately drawn to 2 partially dressed young women that look like they've just coming off shift at an 'army personnel servicing facility'. I'm hypnotised by their hips and I run across a road trying to get a picture, oblivious to the oncoming Chummers and traffic hooting and standing on the brakes. I just can't help it... I'm in some sort of spell... help me... I have the perfect shot all framed, press the button... "Out of storage.." Buggering bum flaps. By the time I've sorted that out they're out of sight and I'm standing in the middle of the road in a puddle of dribble.
A couple of us go in search of somewhere to change our oil. We just ride about in ever increasing circles until we find a bike garage/scrap yard. We bought some oil in the city a few days ago but these boys just have an official oil recycling facility/big hole round the back where they can dispose of the oil in a responsible/nobody will know fashion. We just park up amonst the mess and they run about helping. Not a word is said. Exchange a few quid for a toothless smile and a handshake and we're on our way.
We've been working to unofficial Kashgar time for the last week or so but now we've got to bite the bullet and go to Beijing time which means we've lost another 2 hours. It's late and the only food is at a hotel round the corner. The kitchen is closing and we just manage to get a few random dishes out to the table. Luckily for me they still had some chicken heads left. Oh yes... luuuuurvery
Across the road from the hotel is a comfy looking bar. It looks just so wrong. WTF is someone doing opening a comfy modern bar in the middle of this shit hole. Perhaps it's not real. Perhaps it's a honey trap to test the resolve of the locals. Who cares. We go in, fall into a comfy leather couch in the warm and offer coffee. Beautiful beautiful coffee. And only £1000 a cup. The owner is a young Chinese man who speaks perfect english. It's like China stops at the front door. It's just odd. We sit for an hour and chat, watching the Chummers as they roll past testing their flashing blue lights. It's quite intimidating. They know we're in here and eventually they can't resist it any longer. They stop and get out and come in. "Just be cool" is the advice from the owner. A few minutes of negotiation and fast Chinese and they're gone into the night. We take it as our signal to leave and we skulk back through the cold and dark to bed.
Next morning it's out into the cold bright morning. Spend the day fighting freezing cold, rain, sandstorms and polished road surfaces to Gulmid.
A faceless hotel in a faceless city. We go out and get a last good meal down us. Tomorrow we take a deep breath and head for the sky. Tibet. I can't wait.
Excellent write up. Trying not to spray tea over everything reading this, laugh out loud stuff!! Brilliant
mak595
Registered user
Chicken head 
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