Scandemic .. with pictures :)

monkeyboy

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You had plans didn't you. We all had plans. I had plans. I had all sorts of plans. I had Tajikiplans.. Kazakplans.. Pamir plans and Magaplans for 2020 and just like everyone else I watched as the shutters came down, the borders closed and governments round the world closed their fists around their populations. Bugger...

So 2021 I remade the plans.. I had plans A to Z with different routes winding their way around trying to give them the best chances, and once again, they were slowly but surely struck off. My last plan to be deleted was to just ride to Magadan. Russia was open by air to UK citizens but not by land. I got quotes to fly the bike to Moscow (£5k!) and tried to look at other freighting options .. like ships to St Petersburg, but I couldn't find a way through.

I went to breakfast with a couple of mates in July. We all had UK cabin fever and we needed to get out to taste some left hand drive tarmac. We decided to just hit the 'fuck it' button and go. Trying to find out where you could and couldn't go and what you could and couldn't do was almost impossible so we just decided to go freestyle and see how far we could get. So .. two of us threw the saddles over the horses and headed for the tunnel.

Getting out was no problem at all. No pre-tests required. Turn up, show double vaccination certificate, get on the train.

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We were speaking to a bloke on the train who worked for NATO in Brussels. He wasn't exactly positive about our chances when we told him our rough plan... which was nice ..

Off the train easy peasy.. no checks. So... first border.. Belgium. Pass the sign.. same as usual.. ok then.. the only thing trying to stop us was the weather. Pouring with rain and blowing a gale. Who would ever want to live in Belgium? Are land and houses free here? I can't see any other reason to live in this place.

First petrol station .. are we allowed here? Anybody going to say anything.. ask to see anything.. only our credit cards. Perhaps they cant see we are British because we're wearing masks ..

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Then off to the first bed for the night. A room in a house in a tiny village.

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And off to town for dinner. No certificates.. no questions askedIMG_1441 IMG_1445The waitress looked at my hands and asked 'are you having problems with your motorcycle?'.. errr .. nope.. not yet.. but it is a Ktm so its not completely out of the question..
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Holland has recently changed all their speed limits to a blanket 100kph in the day (0600-2100 I think) and we didn't want to give the police too much time to pull us over so we passed through the south as quick as possible without stopping and into Germany.. and again, no borders, no checks, no nothing. This was looking good. We popped into a town for some lunch and weren't allowed to sit inside because my mate Brian had left his certificate on the bike but they're happy to serve us outside

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Get towards the hotel in Magdeburg and the sat nav tries to take us down a road that's closed. So we reroute.. to another road that's closed. We're really really close .. and there is a path over there look .. we can just nip through there where those people are walking can't we .. directly onto some Tram road works.. the sensible thing would have been to turn round at this point but my bladder alarm was feeling like it was going to go off at any point .. so we went up another footpath only to appear out on a big pedestrianised area.. with a police car parked on the side.. and another 20 police cars parked in a car park at the side of a big building .. and two policemen with their arms crossed looking in wonder at us as we rode through the pedestrians right in front of the police station. I think one policeman bet the other that if my Ktm could keep going for 100m without breaking down then he'd let me off.. which was nice

This was the first time we had to produce our certificates in order to check in. Not many people about here, lots of places still closed. It really feels like we shouldn't be here at all but again, went out to eat outside with no problems at all.

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Today we're heading for Kolobrzeg, some random Polish seaside resort town neither of us have ever been to. Not into the swing of things quite yet.. it always takes a few days. If it takes me more than 1 minute to pack the bike then something is wrong. Its just got to be grab and go.

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I love this bike... I really do LOVE this bike. Every time I wake it up in the morning it thrashes and clatters and swears and farts and snorts and fills the air with the scent of adventure... and unburnt fuel.. my favourite combination ..

We head off ..taking the easy and fast route along the autobahns with all the fucking lunatics who didn't specify a brake pedal in the list of options. Its blowing hard like it has been since we left and the journey is accompanied by the constant blur of wind turbine blades sending shadows racing across the tarmac.

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Its really quiet out on the road. No cars fully packed with kids and luggage, no foreign plates, and everybody here is keeping there distance.. I can't get anyone to put their hands on my helmet no matter how hard I try ..

It starts to proper tit down again and we head for the temporary embrace of Ronald MacDonald. You cant even order a meal here without flashing your QR code. Ours doesn't work of course so we have to go manual and show the manager. We end up doing this quite often.. showing somebody something they don't understand or recognise but that eases their conscience enough to let us carry on ..

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The German/Poland border is the most active we've seen. Plenty of activity, but the road is open and nobody is stopping us so on we go.

We decide to pop into Szczecin because Brian has been told its a shithole and he never ever ever ever believes anything anybody says and wants to see for himself. Big old place with crawling traffic and trams and people everywhere. A real contrast to where we've been so far. No masks, no distancing, life looks normal. We go to a cake shop, always our destination of choice, and I finally manage to get my helmet into the hands of a young maiden .. and her mum

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And just for the record .. we quite liked the place ..

As we get closer to Kolobrzeg the heavens burst and paint an already grey landscape with yet another coat. This place is advertised as a holiday hot spot. Lots of roadside adverts with kids on sunny beaches and lots of smiling white teeth.. but not this year it seems. People we speak to say the summer has been a washout and that this fucking relentless wind has been a feature for months.

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Dinner is served in a plastic tent in the square with heavy rain sounding like paintgun pellets hitting the canvas.

We've come up this way because I wanted to visit Gdansk but Brian has heard that Gdynia is supposed to be nice so we head off into the storms. F*ck its raining .. its all gone biblical and I can't see a bloody thing. We're on single carrageway roads and its getting almost impossible to ride so we decide to get some cakes to soak up all the water

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Everything is soaked right through to the skin .. time to break out the touratwat waterproof glove liners :)

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Now this is one of those days that we do so you dont have to .. I've done a lot of shit days over the years but this one is right up there with any of them. When we eventually get close to Gdynia the world comes to a complete standstill, and it doesn't seem to change for hours. The place is just in chaos. The EU has packed a big squadron of of C17s with Euros then flown over here with the back door open and everybody is rushing around trying to grab it and spend it.. mostly on the roads. Every road contractor from here to eternity has turned up and started to dig for tarmac.. its like a black gold rush .. and the traffic is carnage. I'm sure the Ktm's engine is about to turn to liquid metal at any moment, and my balls are glowing red like I've slid down a huge banister naked .. we filter for what feels like hours and hours just to get down to the waterside where I hang my balls in the water and sit in a cloud of steam to calm down.

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See .. this girl knows its going to be 3 days until she can eat again .. because of the traffic .. well that's her excuse anyway..

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Tonight its Torun, a little walled town a long way south, so back into the metal melee we go for another few hours of chaos. Torun is well worth the trouble though. A beautiful place full of increasingly beautiful people.

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Some of whom need the assistance of a pole when they dance ..

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A lovely warm evening. I'm beginning to feel reality slipping away now .. I love that feeling.. When I sit at home I'm constantly thumbing thought my memories but I really began to think a lot of them were getting towards their use by date .. I was getting desperate to top them up and refresh them and now its starting to fall into place.. old memories are pushed to the back and new ones fill their places..

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I walk to breakfast bare foot across the cool flagstones, feeling the gentle undulations and imperfections that would send a Grand Designs OCD kitchen freak to distraction. All the steps taken before me rock my heals and steer me to a table by the huge old fireplace to eat, to look out the window, to hear voices arguing outside. My brain usually full of thoughts of home and work is free to take whatever path it wants, and it just wanders round, takes its time .. relaxes.. breathes

Today we're just taking a route across to Suwalki near the border with Lithuania. We don't want to have to be dealing with border problems at the end of a day. We're keen to slow down just a bit and avoid the major routes, just get the map out and plot a journey through the lakes.

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The road is real surprise, like going to see a tribute band then having the originals turn up instead. Its an absolute joy after all the lifeless conveyor belts we've been on. Rolling and twisting and ducking and diving like a roller coaster that's been unwound and laid across the countryside. We decided when we left that we're going to do everything to avoid contact with any official authority, and in our case that's mostly obviously the police. Whenever we cross into another country we get a text asking us to go to a government site and fill in X,Y and Z because they all have official rules that we should be obeying, but we, like 99% of travellers just ... dont... Every time I see police my bum tightens so much it can be used as a pencil sharpener .. useful for a policeman that wants to fill in a form.. but has a blunt pencil .. The other day when we were in Szczecin we came across a load of coppers diverting traffic and they gave us a good look but luckily we didn't exceed their bovveration threshold and they just waved us on. Today we come round a bend and the road is closed because of an accident. So we sit and wait... wait and see..

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We've developed a habit of riding close and obliquely behind trucks when there are police about.. and its downhill .. so the Ktm can keep her voice down, so we slide past and back out into the open road.

We've had nothing to eat since breakfast and its mid afternoon so we decide we'll take a lake lunch ..

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A billion places on the planet to eat but this one will go into my memory for today. A random choice, a flip of a coin, a late squeeze of a brake lever.. decision made.

Get to Suwalki and another random choice hotel. Much to my friend's frustration I frequently go for the cheapest option because all I want to do is get clean and get horizontal. Everything else is a bonus, and in an odd way I like the semi derelict places best. This one is fine, if a little bit pink ..

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And the receptionist mentioned to Brian that she needs her plumbing seeing to .. so she gave him her address and he promised he would bring his big plunger round later that evening ..

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'Where is the main street?'.. 'This is the main street'.. oh.. OK.. loads of places are just shut and look like they have been for some time. The town is just dead. When I'm feeling down and hard done by back home I think back to places like this that just seem to be coming to the end of their lives ..

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There is still hope here though I'm sure. We go out to eat and watch the locals go about their business. What can I say .. there is plenty of 'very very good breeding stock' here at least ..

And .. of course .. I'm always more than willing to sample the local delicacies ...

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Christ knows what it was but that stuff on the right looked like a perfect ball of fart fodder .. and so it was. My bum was snoring all night long.

So far we have flashed our paper COVID certificates whenever we've been asked but it looks like some of the countries will only accept the QR code on the app. I did mine before we came but Brian has a phone with dementia and it simply cannot remember anything between doing one thing and the next so he's not been able to do it. I guess sitting a few miles from a border with a dodgy internet connection isn't the best place to do this but we manage to find away round his problem and submit his request.. and watch a lady Polish army officer match around showing off her perfectly made to measure camos with as many perfect curves as yesterdays fabulous road .. i can just imagine her on manoeuvres...

The coffee however looks like its not been used this century.. or someone has gobbed a dollop of COVID infected flem in it ..

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Its been twatting down again all night and its dull and grey but the girls dont care. They just want to run ..

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We go to get some fuel just before the border and a couple of Germans turn up on some ATs, both looking like they have just been ridden from the nearest showroom. They're the first foreign riders we've seen but they're not interested in getting themselves dirty talking to us. Fuck um.. I've given up trying to talk to wankers .. life is too short.

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I come out the garage and take a wrong turning which makes the satnav recalculate which results in us heading down some single track roads through a few tiny villages. Another random choice that just by luck takes up another winding twisting curvy road for a few miles then up to a small bridge that must be on the border. A Polish police car one side, a Lithuanian one the other. Neither policeman even looks up from their phones as we go past .. and we're in to Lithunania

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Who built these roads .. they're shit .. all smooth and curvy and up and downy .. all fast and open and with a grip like a hookers hand .. apparently.. I hate them...

The weather is brightening up too. Still cold and windy but who cares. We're heading up through Lithuania to Riga in Latvia tonight. We're leaving all the traffic behind.. seeing it disappear in the mirrors.. heading north. You can see the light changing as we climb up through the latitudes, the days are getting longer, the air is changing too. All these things your body is natively sensitive to, all amplified by being on the bike. This is why I do this. This is what goes through my head all day. I don't listen to music, I don't have any comms, I just let my brain freestyle with no distractions bar the million things we see on our way.

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I got these Avons just because they are the only matched set my local tyre dealer could supply, and they are really very good. Amazing in the wet too. See that stripe down the middle where the different compound is too .. isn't technology wonderful ��️

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Have a coffee.. look at a map.. bung a few points in the sat nav and bugger off on the back roads.. there are always lovely things hiding on the back roads..

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Your brain always trys to fit what it sees into what it knows .. what is sees is a load of old Russian planes and helicopters .. what it doesn't think is that actually this is an open air museum attached to a motel .. not something I'd find in Hampshire ..

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Get to Riga and we're a little out of town this time so we can park the horses safely underground. Go to see the receptionist .. but she can barely see us due to the ridiculous set of false eyelashes she's wearing. She looks like she has just put glue all over her eyelids then stuck her face in a big bowl of black spiders. Her eyelid muscles can barely lift them and they're flicking so fast I fear they're going to come off at any moment and impale themselves in my forehead. Lovely girl though.. unmarried .. likes cats.. has a big ginger pussy she calls Randolf .. ummm

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I takes us about 30 mins to walk into town along the river and across the bridge. Its a beautiful evening, there is a live band playing in the park and the old town is busy paining its face with the golds and yellows of the evening sun.

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I love live music, I don't really care what it is as long as it sounds good. I remember walking through the Moscow underground one day and hearing a violin from far away and being drawn towards it with all my hairs standing on end and my emotions going in all directions.. and then seeing a young woman with her eyes closed completely lost in the moment. I remember just stading and staring.. its such a beautiful instrument to watch being played. Tonight its a small band in a square surrounded by couples dancing between courses .. absolutely perfect ..

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I ordered Solanka, never heard of it before, turns out to be one of the best things I've ever tasted.

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A lovely evening walk home in the dark, another day my rediculously lucky life completed

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I walk to breakfast bare foot across the cool flagstones, feeling the gentle undulations and imperfections that would send a Grand Designs OCD kitchen freak to distraction. All the steps taken before me rock my heals and steer me to a table by the huge old fireplace to eat, to look out the window, to hear voices arguing outside. My brain usually full of thoughts of home and work is free to take whatever path it wants, and it just wanders round, takes its time .. relaxes.. breathes

Today we're just taking a route across to Suwalki near the border with Lithuania. We don't want to have to be dealing with border problems at the end of a day. We're keen to slow down just a bit and avoid the major routes, just get the map out and plot a journey through the lakes.

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The road is real surprise, like going to see a tribute band then having the originals turn up instead. Its an absolute joy after all the lifeless conveyor belts we've been on. Rolling and twisting and ducking and diving like a roller coaster that's been unwound and laid across the countryside. We decided when we left that we're going to do everything to avoid contact with any official authority, and in our case that's mostly obviously the police. Whenever we cross into another country we get a text asking us to go to a government site and fill in X,Y and Z because they all have official rules that we should be obeying, but we, like 99% of travellers just ... dont... Every time I see police my bum tightens so much it can be used as a pencil sharpener .. useful for a policeman that wants to fill in a form.. but has a blunt pencil .. The other day when we were in Szczecin we came across a load of coppers diverting traffic and they gave us a good look but luckily we didn't exceed their bovveration threshold and they just waved us on. Today we come round a bend and the road is closed because of an accident. So we sit and wait... wait and see..

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We've developed a habit of riding close and obliquely behind trucks when there are police about.. and its downhill .. so the Ktm can keep her voice down, so we slide past and back out into the open road.

We've had nothing to eat since breakfast and its mid afternoon so we decide we'll take a lake lunch ..

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A billion places on the planet to eat but this one will go into my memory for today. A random choice, a flip of a coin, a late squeeze of a brake lever.. decision made.

Get to Suwalki and another random choice hotel. Much to my friend's frustration I frequently go for the cheapest option because all I want to do is get clean and get horizontal. Everything else is a bonus, and in an odd way I like the semi derelict places best. This one is fine, if a little bit pink ..

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And the receptionist mentioned to Brian that she needs her plumbing seeing to .. so she gave him her address and he promised he would bring his big plunger round later that evening ..

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'Where is the main street?'.. 'This is the main street'.. oh.. OK.. loads of places are just shut and look like they have been for some time. The town is just dead. When I'm feeling down and hard done by back home I think back to places like this that just seem to be coming to the end of their lives ..

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There is still hope here though I'm sure. We go out to eat and watch the locals go about their business. What can I say .. there is plenty of 'very very good breeding stock' here at least ..

And .. of course .. I'm always more than willing to sample the local delicacies ...

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Christ knows what it was but that stuff on the right looked like a perfect ball of fart fodder .. and so it was. My bum was snoring all night long.

So far we have flashed our paper COVID certificates whenever we've been asked but it looks like some of the countries will only accept the QR code on the app. I did mine before we came but Brian has a phone with dementia and it simply cannot remember anything between doing one thing and the next so he's not been able to do it. I guess sitting a few miles from a border with a dodgy internet connection isn't the best place to do this but we manage to find away round his problem and submit his request.. and watch a lady Polish army officer match around showing off her perfectly made to measure camos with as many perfect curves as yesterdays fabulous road .. i can just imagine her on manoeuvres...

The coffee however looks like its not been used this century.. or someone has gobbed a dollop of COVID infected flem in it ..

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Its been twatting down again all night and its dull and grey but the girls dont care. They just want to run ..

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We go to get some fuel just before the border and a couple of Germans turn up on some ATs, both looking like they have just been ridden from the nearest showroom. They're the first foreign riders we've seen but they're not interested in getting themselves dirty talking to us. Fuck um.. I've given up trying to talk to wankers .. life is too short.

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I come out the garage and take a wrong turning which makes the satnav recalculate which results in us heading down some single track roads through a few tiny villages. Another random choice that just by luck takes up another winding twisting curvy road for a few miles then up to a small bridge that must be on the border. A Polish police car one side, a Lithuanian one the other. Neither policeman even looks up from their phones as we go past .. and we're in to Lithunania ��️

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Who built these roads .. they're shit .. all smooth and curvy and up and downy .. all fast and open and with a grip like a hookers hand .. apparently.. I hate them... ��️��️��️

The weather is brightening up too. Still cold and windy but who cares. We're heading up through Lithuania to Riga in Latvia tonight. We're leaving all the traffic behind.. seeing it disappear in the mirrors.. heading north. You can see the light changing as we climb up through the latitudes, the days are getting longer, the air is changing too. All these things your body is natively sensitive to, all amplified by being on the bike. This is why I do this. This is what goes through my head all day. I don't listen to music, I don't have any comms, I just let my brain freestyle with no distractions bar the million things we see on our way.

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I got these Avons just because they are the only matched set my local tyre dealer could supply, and they are really very good. Amazing in the wet too. See that stripe down the middle where the different compound is too .. isn't technology wonderful ��️

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Have a coffee.. look at a map.. bung a few points in the sat nav and bugger off on the back roads.. there are always lovely things hiding on the back roads..

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Your brain always trys to fit what it sees into what it knows .. what is sees is a load of old Russian planes and helicopters .. what it doesn't think is that actually this is an open air museum attached to a motel .. not something I'd find in Hampshire ..

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Get to Riga and we're a little out of town this time so we can park the horses safely underground. Go to see the receptionist .. but she can barely see us due to the ridiculous set of false eyelashes she's wearing. She looks like she has just put glue all over her eyelids then stuck her face in a big bowl of black spiders. Her eyelid muscles can barely lift them and they're flicking so fast I fear they're going to come off at any moment and impale themselves in my forehead. Lovely girl though.. unmarried .. likes cats.. has a big ginger pussy she calls Randolf .. ummm

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I takes us about 30 mins to walk into town along the river and across the bridge. Its a beautiful evening, there is a live band playing in the park and the old town is busy paining its face with the golds and yellows of the evening sun.

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I love live music, I don't really care what it is as long as it sounds good. I remember walking through the Moscow underground one day and hearing a violin from far away and being drawn towards it with all my hairs standing on end and my emotions going in all directions.. and then seeing a young woman with her eyes closed completely lost in the moment. I remember just stading and staring.. its such a beautiful instrument to watch being played. Tonight its a small band in a square surrounded by couples dancing between courses .. absolutely perfect ..

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I ordered Solanka, never heard of it before, turns out to be one of the best things I've ever tasted.

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A lovely evening walk home in the dark, another day my rediculously lucky life completed

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If anyone still cant see pictures please just let me know before I do another installment :))
 
Bravo..... even I, possibly the last of the blank white space brigade, can see your excellent pictures...
 
A different day, a different country, different rules. We had to prove vaccination last night but being unvaccinated wouldn't have been a problem, it would just mean breakfast in our room. As it is here you get a time slot to avoid too much interaction, and all the food has to be covered up. The lovely receptionist is still on duty this morning and Brian is keen to know if Randolf needs feeding or would like a gentle stroking.. honestly .. he's 77 FFS .. but only on the outside it seems ..

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I'm sure I'm not alone.. I'm sure everyone does it .. sometimes I reach a perfect point on the planet at a perfect moment and I just wish I could share all my senses , just share this, my hear and now. The smell of the riverbank, the sound of the birds fighting over breakfast, the sound of a massive body of water whispering past my feet, the fresh cold air building goose pimples on my skin .. another memory pushed to the front ..IMG_2063

And then the sound of a Ktm clearing its throat in an underground garage ..

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The plan is to take the coast road from here to Tallinn in Estonia, and maybe see if we can see the sea. Not much traffic about, still cold and windy, and its not long until we reach cake o'clock. Stop, punch in a pin and head for a coastal cafe. This area really looks set up for the summer months with lots of campsites near the water under the trees, but again all the cafes are closed and the beaches are deserted, so in the end we follow our noses like the Bistow kids and end up at cake and coffee heaven.

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God knows what that is but it has my taste buds dancing and my tongue doing a tango .. I'm constantly amazed at the seemingly infinite recipes for creating obesity fixes .. but I usually don't eat as much on a trip and I know that if we get where we're heading I'll be eating air sandwiches anyway ..

Take a quick walk down to the beach and push our way through the crowds to dip our toes in The Baltic

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After a couple of hours the road and the sky both decide to take a turn for the worse and go very dull. We notice the scenery start to don its rain jacket so we find some shelter . .with cake .. and do the same

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I didn't think they needed this far north .. the sell by date was 1960

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We decide if we're going to get wet we might as well slow down and take a more indirect route inland so we get the maps out and just take a wandering route. They'll still be cake I'm sure .. everyone loves cake. There really is bugger all up here .. nothing but trees for miles and miles and miles, small towns, more trees. It's only August but everything seems to have closed. We spot a lovely looking cafe and I need to stop because my bladder has created enough pressure for me to cut through a 1 inch steel plate.. but its closed..

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So I urinaly cut a UK flag out of the 1 inch metal front door and off we go. A word from the wise .. always remember to wear a mask when working with high urinal pressures, and always close your mouth, blow back can be a major problem.

Get the next town and spot an interesting shop ..

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Go looking for refreshments .. there is a sort of pub/bar place but the owner looks like he has had his smile muscles removed and sold them on the internet so we walk out and see people going in and out of a house.. lots of people. It looks like a human bee hive.. people hovering.. waiting their turn .. all covered in nectar .. So we go for a look, walk in through someone's converted living room and into their back garden for yet more coffee.. and yet more cake ..

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Get to Tallinn and a very anonymous hotel by the ferry terminal. We're actually taking a day off here to see the old city and just let the horses cool down, plus we want to go to the Ferry terminal tomorrow and see what gives about crossing the water to Finland

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We're wandering down to the old city and we're constantly being buzzed by tossers on electric scooters. These bloody things are the bane of society. They're all over the bloody place now. And here in Tallinn they really are all over the place. They are just thrown down across the pavements the moment they run out of power and left.. they're bloody everywhere! I'm having a rant about it.. walking head down and ranting.. head down and I'm suddenly grabbed by Brian and I feel the wind of a speeding car pass right across the front of my legs as I'm standing in the road.. thanks Brian mate... I know he thinks he knows me inside out but one more step and he would have seen me inside out .. in kit form .. randomly distributed down the road ... fuck.. that was close ..

We get to the edge of the old city. We're not planning on going inside tonight so we find a bar on the outskirts where one single girl is desperately trying to serve everyone in the entire place, and take payments, and pour beer at the bar, and you can see shes struggling. As we leave Brian just gives her a kind word and asks if she's OK.. and tears come to her eyes..

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Get up and out to the ferry terminal, quite expecting that this might be a sticking point on the journey. So far we've avoided all officialdom and our passports have remained snugly in our pockets but at pinch points like this we know we'll have to face up to the federales. So .. with some trepidation we go to the ticket lady and see what gives. 'Vaccinated?' .. 'Yep'.. 'OK, 36 Euros please'. 'Ohhhhhh K then'. Its no problem at all. We'll have passports and COVID certs checked in Helsinki .. and that's us done .. horah!

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So off we go into the old city. Its a beautiful place, a very beautiful place indeed.

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Still remarkably few people about, certainly not enough to eat all the cake on offer. Brian is doing his best though ..

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We're walking along the old walls of the city see a little dark door, with a little dark man sitting in a little dark kiosk.. with a little dark look on his face .. so we give him some money and walk up to the top of the wall for a view of the city. We're walking along and I see an bloke taking some pictures. I stand behind him because I dont want to get in his shot

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At first I think he's a vagrant. He's wearing really shabby clothes and very worn shoes and he has sprayed himself lavishly with Eau de OldFella. So.. because we're British.. we start chatting with him. He speaks with a strong Spanish accent but is actually an American from New Mexico. Travel is his thing and he usually goes at least 4 times a year. He says he feels like a cat that's been let out of a cage. As soon as he had permission to come to Europe he was in the air and on his way. A really interesting character. I'm really not sure how many trips are left in him.. but I hope he enjoys every one.

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And a Tinder profile picture for my old mate..

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We wander back through the old streets and back to the hotel.. without any near death experiences this time .. and money money everywhere..

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My bloody travel plug has gone tits up and I need a cable to charge my drone so I leave Brian to inspect the inside of his eyelids for an hour and skirt around looking for a lead. I quite like this place ..

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All this cake is producing output that is putting us over our three wipe thresholds .. so we've decided we need to send a vegetable JCB down the tube to short this shit out ... we were in the supermarket earlier and they had a hot food counter serving a large selection of unrecognisable brown slushy items, and vegetables, so we went out and got a load each and send them down to work in the dark depths of our bowels ..

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Oh how I've missed this.... there's always a tale or two of bowel related misadventure in your reports.... :thumb :D My favorite being the one about the chap on the Victory Batmobile who's arse exploded at side of the road in China (I think) in full view of some unfortunate local folk!

Encore...
 
That Solanka looks very nice; it would also make an excellent breakfast I'm sure...
 
That Solanka looks very nice; it would also make an excellent breakfast I'm sure...

I've seen your weird breakfast selections mate! Yep, very smoky and tingly and quite hot and absolutely delicious. I could have easily eaten a whole bucket of it :) Put a few noodles in and you'd be as happy as a sandboy ..
 
Epic trip and some superb photos to make it come alive.
Looking forward to the next instalment :okay
 
It’s a small world isn’t it! I have a specialised hammock making it’s way to me by DHL at this very moment. Guess where from…..Tallinn! :thumb2
Great trip and report so far too. :thumb2
 
Up and out and over to the ferry. Again its really really quiet.. like we've arrived 5 hours to early or something. A few cars and trucks but not a ferry full for sure. How on earth some of these companies survive is beyond me. Government subsidies I guess.. but what other options are there.

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30 minutes later and we're on Finish soil. We're directed towards a little shed and I see a woman who's totally enveloped in plastic, like she has fallen on one of those luggage wrapping machines at the airport. Shes walking towards our shed .. here we go .. they're going to tickle my brainbox and test my gag reflex with cotton buds .. good luck with that .. my gut is fully loaded with my favourite spew ingredient of carrot .. and the JCB has yet to move it all to the exit .. this could get colourful and she'll need that suit

Turn into the shed and there are 2 pretty young blonde ladies in full Finland border force uniforms.. except for the slippers . I point to her feet and she just laughs .. 'Well we're not busy and spend most of the time just sitting in the hut relaxing so I like to be comfortable' .. good girl .. she wants to see our QR codes .. waves her phone over them which pings obediently and we're through :) Dunno what the woman in the tight plastic wrap is doing .. maybe that's just how she feels comfortable.. interesting :)

Within 20 yards I go straight over a roundabout because I'm distracted.. WTF is this about? Reminds me of what I see if I mistakenly open my eyes in the middle of the night when sharing with Brian ..

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I always assume that an unknown capital city is going to be a pretty big place so I go for a hotel in the centre. We looked for hotels with parking but with no luck unless we wanted to use our special issue asbestos credit cards that were issued specially for this trip.. these cards are the only ones that can take the heat of Scandinavia without having a meltdown the second someone tries to charge £100 for a banana on them ..

So we turn up at the hotel hoping to find a nook or cranny or ditch we can park the horses in.

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We're greeted by a lovely young white blonde lady talking in her sing song English accent. 'Can we park the bikes here?' No I'm afraid not, parking is by the hour on the street and is charged in testicles .. I could maybe risk an hour . maybe an hour and a half .. but definitely not two .. then she tells us about a 'parking hole' .. Brian and I look at her.. and look at each other.. neither of us want to say the wrong thing here .. apparently the 'parking hole' is available for €36 .. for all night ... now depending on if this is a translation error or an extra service the lady provides.. is either fucking ridiculously expensive .. or very cheap and it would be rude to refuse ..

Still confused we decide to just smile and take the keys and say we'll move the bikes in a minute .. When we were coming into the city I spotted a bike parking bay about 800m away. The street parking stops at 9pm so we ride the bikes down to the bay and walk back. We'll collect them after dinner and park in the street close to the hotel.

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The hotel is a bit tired.. well .. knackered really ..

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but.. it meets all my criteria so I'm happy. Another random room for me to load a 3d image into my brain so I can negotiate it in complete darkness and so not piss all over Brian in the night .. again ..

We're here quite early, we'll go for a walk around, so we go and ask the young blonde with the parking hole where would be good to go.. like an old part of the city .. but there doesn't seem to be one so we just head off towards the water

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Gets bloody cold here in the winter obviously .. so cold you have to wear cushions .. I'd like to see the shot of her just dressed in earnings ..

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I have to be honest.. I'm quite disappointed with Helsinki. I'm certain I haven't seen the best of it in an afternoon and I'd happily take recommendations of things to see here. It has a certain atmosphere but it just doesn't have the feel that a vibrant major city has. My phone camera is showing a sad face .. so I go out for an hour while Brian sits like a teenager on his phone and look for places to eat later.

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a real sign of the times ..

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We head out later to eat. Everywhere costs an arm and a leg so Brian feels he is old enough and had enough use from his limbs to exchange two of them for a small plate of food, but I go to the supermarket and raid their 'fill your own tub' meat and salad bar for about €16 a kilo..

Every day you open your eyes from sleep .. in a lovely dry warm bed.. wondering what the day will bring. It sounds like somebody is throwing pebbles at the window.. maybe its the blonde receptionist trying to attract my attention .. maybe I'll open the window and she'll start singing and throwing me flowers .. or maybe Mother Nature has had an argument with Father Nature and she's in a rage. Its absolutely twatting down and throwing it hard against the windows. We have breakfast and tell the receptionist where we're planning to go today.. he suggests we stay another night ..

We run to the bikes to pack as quickly as we can but even by the time we've done that, then we have wet hands trying to slide into gloves and visors that have got water on both sides. So off we go into the storm. We're headed for Kuopio but a mate has told us about an Ace Cafe in Lahti and asked to get him some mugs. By the time we get there we're both soaked and cold. We're like 2 sponges plucked from a bucket as we walk in leaving a pool of water at every step. This place is a LOT bigger and better than its London counterpart. Its part of the chain though. They're all over the world now apparently. The owner and his wife are there. He's an ex motorcycle dealer and has a lot of contacts in the racing world. He has exhibitions that he changes regularly and he's put a lot of effort in

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We feel duty bound to spend enough money for them to pay the cleaner to mop up all of our mess, and we're both freezing cold too, so we sit for an hour or so and consume as much as we can for our body furnaces to fire up and keep us alive for the ride north. No British fat boy fry ups here though unfortunately :(

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Then back out into the relentless rain.

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Fuck what a day this is turning out to be. The rain has wicked it way down my buff and my (2) jumpers and my TShirt.. my waterproof leather trousers gave up completely some time ago and I am soaked to the skin. We've done a couple of hours since the Ace and the furnace went out some time ago. I'm properly cold and I'm shivvering, and its still pissing down. Sometimes .. just very very occasionally I get to a stage where I just don't know what to do. My body has all the warning lights flashing and its sirens are all going but its just about keeping going and upright as the little voices run about in my head deciding what to do. There really aren't a lot of options up here unless your plans include trees. Then.. in the gloom we see one of those 200ft tall signs like they have in the USA. An ABC. A service station. Thank fuck for that. By the time we get inside I'm shaking so much I can't even use the phone. Brian disappears to get something to eat then returns with a plate piled high with hot meat and veg .. I'm expecting to see smoke coming from his wallet where his credit card has caught fire but between quick mouth fulls he says he's found an all you can eat buffet for €10 round the corner.. and he's dived right in.

I'm still soaked and shivering so I need to sort myself out first. Years and years ago I was on a trip somewhere in Alaska with Nick Sanders and he came into a cafe all wet and cold. He went round the place taking every newspaper he could find and stuffed them under his clothing. I remember thinking if ever I get to that state when I look like a vagrant pikey and I'm resorting to sticking newspapers under my jumper then please shoot me. Well .. shoot me now ..

I go round the tables taking all the newspapers I can find and stick them under my clothes to absorb all the water and try to warm me up. By the time I get to the hot food counter I look like a bloody scarecrow with newspaper poking out all over the place. I'm not in the mood to brood though .. I'm in the mood for food. Never has warm food tasted so good. Brian and I just sit like two foie gras geese and stuff down hot foot until I'm about to burst.

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Brian is an amazing bloke I have to say. I just keep forgetting he is 77. He just ploughs on and on through everything you put in front of him. I've been all over the place with him and he never complains.. he just goes.

I take out all the wet paper and replace it with dry, hopefully that and all the food will keep the shivers at bay for a few more hours. We get to Kuopio early evening and locate the house. Its a AirBnB type arrangement tonight. A room in a shared house. We get inside and wander about, not really concentrating, through the living room, into a bedroom with 2 people asleep on a bed .. I'm not thinking about being in someones room, or that they're in our room .. I'm just wondering how warm they are and if I could just slip my freezing .. wet .. tired body in there for an hour just to bring myself back to life.

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These are my favourite places. The unique smell every house has. The feeling of being at home but not. Bumping into random strangers on the landing at 2am. Mismatched towels and cutlery and cups. Looking through cupboards for TBags, or opening the fridge and just seeing into other peoples lives. The couple from the bed wake up and wander in but they dont speak much English. We want to try and dry our clothes and there are fireplaces here but they say NO.. no fires .. definitely no fires. There is a sauna in the basement, and, luckily a washer and tumble drier. We put most our clothes in and wander down to the supermarket for some tea. My leathers are all soaked, so I decide that the weight limit on the drier door is advisory only and throw them in for an hour. When I go to take them out I'm not sure if the strange smell is drying leather, or dying electrics. The leathers are still steaming and I leave them to hopefully dry overnight.

Nothing beats that exact moment when you climb into a warm bed, lay horizontal and let all your muscles know their work is done for the day..

Wake up.. and the rain has stopped.. thank FUCK for that.. my leathers are still damp and pulling them on is a cold and unpleasant experience. Coffee and some buns we bought last night and we're off. Its getting more and more remote up here with a lot less traffic.. you can almost feel yourself climbing up this giant ball that we all inhabit.. climbing up and up towards the Arctic Circle. We thought about going to the Nordkapp but Brian has been before and I really have no massive desire to tick that particular box so we're just headed as far as Rovaniemi today. It sits just below the circle and we can head in tomorrow and visit a certain gentleman in red. I just hope hes wearing a jacket and not speedos..

Its quiet.. its cold .. its lonely and it feels a lot like parts of Siberia .. and I love it.

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And just like Siberia, or the Alaskan Highway, or a million other lonely roads there are little random places in the middle of bum fuck nowhere that your body can mysteriously detect from miles away .. maybe a scent of cooking travelling through a cool breeze.. maybe a happy face travelling in the opposite direction .. maybe the distant sound of a truck accelerating away with a driver considerably heavier than when he stopped an hour ago .. whatever.. your mouth starts salivating.. your bladder starts to relax at the thought of relief .. and then you see it. Not some characterless cookie cutter branded place where you're served by a disinterested youth whose only thought is how they are going to pay for their next tattoo .. but by a husband and wife making a living keeping travellers alive and satisfied. Warm and friendly, cooked from scratch. No heirs or graces.. my favourite places ..

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Fried eggs sandwiches ... nom nom nom :)

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You can genuiniely feel it ... honestly you can .. I'm sure anyone that has been this way will tell you the same. I've been to these latitudes elsewhere but often travelling east-west instead of due north .. and this time it really fells like I'm riding to the top of the world .. like the sunshine is pushing me up the slope .. its such a lovely feeling. Seeing all the houses with their roof ladders to take the snow off.. and Randolf's relations all roaming about..

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Get to Rovaniemi after another stop for a service station gutbustathon and this time we're trying another accommodation option, a flat in a little tower block. Collect the key from the local Chinese resturant and off we go. New and shiny and now with the added odour of riding boots.. I've no doubt the maid will be very happy indeed. Got to the supermarket and get an 'indoor camping' meal .. then sit cross legged on the floor and eat it with a spork .. just like the real thing ..

I'm really not sure I'm going to sleep tonight.. I'm soooooooo excited ... I've got my list and I've checked it twice .. guess who we're going to see in the morning ..

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Brilliant.....:bow:thumb


Have you not considered textile clothing....It doesn't half dry out quicker..
 
I'am sat at an RDC and i've been here 3 hrs already and still no sign of action; reading through this makes the wait worthwhile; fancy bumping into Keanu Reeves and the kids; :D:beerjug:
 

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Brilliant.....:bow:thumb


Have you not considered textile clothing....It doesn't half dry out quicker..

Personal choice of course, and I do wear textile over the leathers in the wet most the time, but I feel naked and vulnerable in textile. I've been down the road in both and there is absolutely no contest in my opinion. If I had to be towed down an abrasive tarmac surface at 50mph for 100m then I would choose leather every single time. I would much rather sweat and shiver than bleed :)
 
I'am sat at an RDC and i've been here 3 hrs already and still no sign of action; reading through this makes the wait worthwhile; fancy bumping into Keanu Reeves and the kids; :D:beerjug:

:) Someone else said that to me too .. maybe it was .. you never know!
 
Never mind textiles, have you considered writing a book of your adventures? I’d buy it, very entertaining and really draws you in.
Superb :okay
 


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