Brilliant, keep it coming, love the photos and your talent with words
Scandemic .. with pictures :)
- Thread starter monkeyboy
- Start date
I'll second that,brilliant thread,love it
Great read. Great adventure. Thanks for sharing and enjoy your travels.
Love it. Just love it
Well I didn't sleep that well, but not because we're going to visa Santa, but because a group of people decided to have a huge argument in the middle of the night that involved (hopefully) throwing large objects about or worse.. throwing each other about. It sounded like someone was trying to break into the building with loud thumps and bumps and bangs. It reminds me of a night at a similar latitude in Anchorage where we camped near some Inuit's that were smashed out their skulls and were having a full on family riot all night long..
The light up here is just beautiful.. how can a simple frequency of light give me so much pleasure. I just stand and stare at the slowly moving shadows while the beast warms her lungs and looks like she's inhaled from a huge vaping machine. I remember when Brian and I were sitting eating breakfast thinking about this trip and saying that we'd probably have to keep it local this year. This doesn't feel very local to me..
The practicalities of living at these latitudes means the balconies are totally enclosed against the cold.
A a few cold clicks north and we're in.
As we're taking some pictures of the bike a French couple come up to us. He wants a picture with the bikes. They only speak English through a little hand held translation device but it seems their daughter lives and works up here and they are visiting. Perhaps she's helping Santa with his French letters .. He's a biker and seems to have a large collection of old bikes back home as he scrolls through his pictures. A couple of time as he scrolls he points at people and says 'morte.. COVID' which needs no translation.. and brings things into perspective as to why its all so quiet.
Santa isn't an early riser apparently and he's not available to take an audience until 10.. or until you can produce receipts that prove you've spent at least a weeks wages in his gift store .. so I buy a fridge magnet .. so that's 2 weeks wages ..
Off we go.. is there a queue .. screaming kids .. people feinting .. autograph hunters .. nope.. nobody at all. We walk round the corner and there he is .. actual Santa .. sitting in his chair.. reading his phone .. he's probably on the Santa app.
Santa wont have his picture taken unless you pay .. he's quite insistent.. and reminds me of a Kirby hoover salesman that we once had in the house.. 'Have your picture taken with me' .. no thanks mate.. 'Come on .. have a picture.. it will be great .. you can look at it and if you don't like it then don't buy it'.. no thanks mate .. I'm fine .. 'Come on.. have a picture .. you can pay in 300 easy instalments or I can put it on your mortgage'..
'Just Fuck Off will you Santa'..
So I have to ask an elf instead ..
And... true story .. Santa isn't a fat bastard because he eats lots of mince pies over Christmas .. Santa is a fat bastard because he lives directly opposite a 24/7 service station serving cheap all you can eat gut buster buffets .. but don't tell the kids ..
We're headed for Kiruna today, in Sweden. and another unknown border crossing. Judging on progress so far and that we're going from one EU country to another we're hoping it will be pain and hassle free. We've just got time for a few more lovely lakes though..
Get to the border and there is a Finish guard checking entry from Sweden but nobody cares if you're leaving
Its odd how much a country can immediately feel so different even though its only a matter of a few meters away.. and Sweden does immediately feel different. As though the seeds from the trees couldn't make it across the river. The landscape is different too, a bit more rolling. Lots of roadworks too but luckily its dry so the rough road sections are just loose rather than ooooo'se. So we decide to test what really matters to us both .. cake. Drop into a small town and a tiny warm cafe for coffee cake and calories.
I really do like the Scandi style and the Swedes seem to do it best. I could happily dismantle this place and live it in back home.. as long as it came with the barista and the calorie cabinet .. They warn us there are lots of reindeer on the roads round here so to be careful on the bikes, and so it proves
https://www.stupiderstravels.com/2021/IMG_2738
Reindeer really are beautiful creatures with velvet covered antlers and huge feet that make a noise like banging 2 bits of wood together when they run. Bloody solid though I'm sure.
Tonight's destination is some huts in the woods about 11km out from Kiruna and there is nothing else there so we head into town for supplies. Kiruna is the northernmost town in Sweden and it's there for one reason only, iron ore. You can see the mountains of waste from miles and miles away. Kiruna also has a problem. Quite a big problem in fact. Its sinking due to under mining. Large areas of the place are being condemned and the government is paying to build replacement buildings and move people from the affected areas.
We spot a supermarket and go to park up when a woman comes up asking about the antenna on my helmet. Err.. that's not an antenna .. that's a big cable tie keeping the broken visor up :) Comes in useful for carrying it though, and I might even get a tiny flag to fly from it ..
[IMG]https://www.stupiderstravels.com/2021/IMG_2770.jpg
She's a right hippy chick, and she tells us she is quite famous in Sweden as a singer of Sami music. Not something on my spotify play list .. but she's a nice lady, very friendly and chatty and wiling to handle my helmet in public.
Sweden is as equally expensive as Finland but, like there, the contrast between the prices in the supermarket and the cafes is massive. Coffee and a mouthgasm for a couple of quid .. oh yea ..
We're both just sitting there in a post cake-coital state when a woman comes rushing over to us.. 'are you the bikers?' My first thought is bollocks, someone has run over the bikes .. but no .. she's seen theem outside and has come in to search for us. She just wants to chat and find out what we're doing. She is a biker and has a couple of Harleys .. yes I know .. but she's test ridden the Pan American and is trying to buy one to ride the world on. Her English is just amazing .. shes talking fast and keeping up with all the jokes better than a lot of natives would .. smiling and laughing, flirting and giggling .. she'd be a lot of fun to ride with for sure. Turns out she spends all her life underground driving a concrete truck in the mines. Her shift pattern lets her accumulate lots of holiday and she's already been about a fair bit but she wants to go further.. much much further. Always a good thing to hear from a woman ..
Go and raid the salad counter for dinner.. this isn't like your Pizza Hut salad bar full of manky lettuce with brown edges and sweetcorn full of bogies from snotty nosed kids.. this is proper nice and fresh. Loads of meat, tuna, whatever. I like going out to eat but sometimes I just like a mass of healthy food, and this is the way to do it here.
and a Ploppy for afters .. obviously
Ride back out of town and into the forest to find the huts. We can hear dogs.. lots and lots and lots of dogs. Turns out the huts are at a dog-sled centre and they're absolutely everywhere. 300 of them! They work constantly from September to May then rest up over the summer in their pens. Its quite a sight. Loads of sleighs and harnesses sitting ready for snow to fall ..
They reckon you can put your hands in any of the cages and they won't bite you.
The hut is basic and there is a 'kitchen hut' at the end full of everything you need to prepare and eat your meals.. I like it .. I really like it. Its the different things that stick in your memory the most, and this is definitely different.
See... I really can really almost claim it as camping
I'm out for the count and hit the hay early.. but as usual I need to wee in the middle of the night .. standing on the viranda in the cold.. a star filled sky.. the smell of animals mixed with the trees .. the sound of the dogs shuffling about.. and wee pouring onto the grass .. just perfect ..
There are wolves about up here.. we heard them last night and this morning they're chatting to the dogs .. at 6 am.. which is nice ..
The wolves howl.. the dogs all howl back.. and then suddenly it all stops dead. Its very odd.. they all just stop simultaneously. Fuck knows how that works.. anyway.. back to the hut for brekkie.
then drop off my Ploppy at the long drop.. a loo with a view..
Today we're going to try and get into Norway. Brian's Swedish mate says he doesn't know if we'll get in but we'll ride up and check. I think we should be OK but things are changing all the time so we don't book any accommodation just in case. First stop will be Riksgränsen up on the border.
Its a beautiful cold bright morning as we follow the giant iron ore trains through the wilderness towards Norway.
Its proper desolate up here, and all the better for it. Fuck how much of my life do i spend crawling along staring at the rear bumper of a car in front, or filtering through a mass of metal, just trying to get 5 miles down the road in less than an hour .. surrounded by concrete .. road signs .. noise.. people.. pressure .. but up here I just don't care.. there is room to share.. room to spare .. there are a lot of hikers about but for the most part its just two blokes, two bikes, and the whole world to ourselves.
Get to Riksgränsen and I'm expecting a town but its just some houses, a closed hotel, a closed YMCA hostel and a supermarket. There is a lovely 'supermarket at the end of the universe' vibe about this place. Hikers getting provisions before disappearing into the wilderness.. bikers having a last cake before disappearing into police custody ..
At least the Swedes have a sense of humour though
And you're going to need that if you go LARGE on the Plopps
OK, time to go. Scoot up to the customs building on the top of the hill.. and ride straight through. That was too easy. Like a lot of these borders though, customs and immigration are often a good way apart with some nomansland in between .. if this is no mans land .. can I claim it for my own?
Beautiful eh. I think the tarmac is made from ground down currency.. they've got more money than they know what to do with..
Immigration is just a bloke standing in the road in the sunshine. Flash the NHS COVID QR code and we're in no questions asked. The integration of these systems that has gone on behind the scenes really is very very impressive. These Scandinavians really are a smart bunch though too.
We were thinking about staying in Narvik but by the time we get there its only early afternoon so we decide to just have a look about and some lunch then wing it later. The first thing that strikes me is all the mobility scooters .. everyone seems to have one. They are screaming about everywhere. I soon figured out why everyone drives them though, its because they can drive them faster than they can drive their bloody cars!!
Go for lunch .. Now .. even the Swedes think that Norway is expensive! Dinner will definitely cost you an arm and a leg.. plus a lung and a kidney if you want starter and desert .. £2.50 for a Marathon bar? Really? Behave yourself please So I buy a bread roll and fill it with dirt .. nom nom nom
My bike hates being driven at 80kph.. it shunts and hunts and complains and it drives me mental but that is what everyone is doing here. There are a lot of overhead cameras for all the tunnels and as its often a single road I'm not sure if they can work out average speeds and stuff too - getting stopped for speeding can involve a fist in a studded gauntlet being roughly shoved up your Gary and vast sums money being extracted so we just go with the flow... go with the slow .. still, at least there is a bit of a view every now and then ..
but I bet it looks shit in the other direction .. or not
So... not then .. this place is beauuuuuutiful. Its not really like anywhere I've ever been before and I'm just in awe of it. Everything.. just everything is perfect. Its just ridiculous how perfect it is. The road winds and twists and dips and follows the water's edge and leads us straight into the belly of our first ferry.
All the locals are charge via ANPR cameras but ours aren't recognised so the crew take pictures of them on their phones and tell us we'll be billed later.. that's something to look forward to ..
We've still not organised anywhere to stay this evening so Brian brings up the C word .. yes that C word.. the one I hate hearing and I hate even more hearing .. Camping .. I'm wincing even as I type it .. OK.. lets see what we can do. All the sites we have seen so far have been closed .. hallelujia .. but we come to one on a beautiful lake side and go in to ask, but they just don't want to know. They will barely speak to us for some reason and in the end they just say its closed. Using the miracle of technology I have a quick look about and find a hotel in Fauske a couple of hours south. Just one click and there is a bed with my name on it.. they do camping too but what Brian doesn't know wont hurt him .. and I'm really only thinking about his welfare .. and ..well .. I fucking hate camping ..
Luckily its stays light a lot longer up here and we chase the slowly setting sun along golden stretches of tarmac towards sleep.
We come across a small hotel in a town and there are bikes everywhere, mostly designed for the transportation of human bodies considerably bigger than ours.
We go in to find some dinner, and maybe some company but nobody seems to want to talk to us. Perhaps our bikes just aren't man enough .. or perhaps we've just bumped into the local chapter of the other C word.. It doesn't cost anything to just have a chat does it. If only everyone was as nice as us
We get to Fauske quite late and a receptionist you can smell from a fjord away.. Christ .. I think she's removed the atomiser from her perfume bottle and attached a hose pipe instead. Doesn't put Brian off though Check in .. climb the steps.. open the door .. ahhhhh.. that'll do
Its a place with a shared kitchen and bathroom and we can hear another couple arrive with a young baby. I recognise them from earlier in the day when I saw them flying a drone. She is German and he is Austrian and they are on parental leave. They've just decided to bugger off for 2 months around Europe with a newborn in a pandemic .. they are our kind of people. They've been away for over a month now and they're just taking it easy. She's cooking dinner and telling us they actually bought a burger and fries today and shared it because its so expensive. They're a lovely couple and the baby is a little angel. We just spend ages chatting away, learning and listening and looking into other lives. Good on em, I'm not sure I'd have just picked up the baby and gone like that..
We take an evening stroll looking to get down to the water but all the roads are private. Fauske.. who's ever heard of Fauske.. another random point on the planet forever planted into my memory.
The light up here is just beautiful.. how can a simple frequency of light give me so much pleasure. I just stand and stare at the slowly moving shadows while the beast warms her lungs and looks like she's inhaled from a huge vaping machine. I remember when Brian and I were sitting eating breakfast thinking about this trip and saying that we'd probably have to keep it local this year. This doesn't feel very local to me..
The practicalities of living at these latitudes means the balconies are totally enclosed against the cold.
A a few cold clicks north and we're in.
As we're taking some pictures of the bike a French couple come up to us. He wants a picture with the bikes. They only speak English through a little hand held translation device but it seems their daughter lives and works up here and they are visiting. Perhaps she's helping Santa with his French letters .. He's a biker and seems to have a large collection of old bikes back home as he scrolls through his pictures. A couple of time as he scrolls he points at people and says 'morte.. COVID' which needs no translation.. and brings things into perspective as to why its all so quiet.
Santa isn't an early riser apparently and he's not available to take an audience until 10.. or until you can produce receipts that prove you've spent at least a weeks wages in his gift store .. so I buy a fridge magnet .. so that's 2 weeks wages ..
Off we go.. is there a queue .. screaming kids .. people feinting .. autograph hunters .. nope.. nobody at all. We walk round the corner and there he is .. actual Santa .. sitting in his chair.. reading his phone .. he's probably on the Santa app.
Santa wont have his picture taken unless you pay .. he's quite insistent.. and reminds me of a Kirby hoover salesman that we once had in the house.. 'Have your picture taken with me' .. no thanks mate.. 'Come on .. have a picture.. it will be great .. you can look at it and if you don't like it then don't buy it'.. no thanks mate .. I'm fine .. 'Come on.. have a picture .. you can pay in 300 easy instalments or I can put it on your mortgage'..
'Just Fuck Off will you Santa'..
So I have to ask an elf instead ..
And... true story .. Santa isn't a fat bastard because he eats lots of mince pies over Christmas .. Santa is a fat bastard because he lives directly opposite a 24/7 service station serving cheap all you can eat gut buster buffets .. but don't tell the kids ..
We're headed for Kiruna today, in Sweden. and another unknown border crossing. Judging on progress so far and that we're going from one EU country to another we're hoping it will be pain and hassle free. We've just got time for a few more lovely lakes though..
Get to the border and there is a Finish guard checking entry from Sweden but nobody cares if you're leaving
Its odd how much a country can immediately feel so different even though its only a matter of a few meters away.. and Sweden does immediately feel different. As though the seeds from the trees couldn't make it across the river. The landscape is different too, a bit more rolling. Lots of roadworks too but luckily its dry so the rough road sections are just loose rather than ooooo'se. So we decide to test what really matters to us both .. cake. Drop into a small town and a tiny warm cafe for coffee cake and calories.
I really do like the Scandi style and the Swedes seem to do it best. I could happily dismantle this place and live it in back home.. as long as it came with the barista and the calorie cabinet .. They warn us there are lots of reindeer on the roads round here so to be careful on the bikes, and so it proves
https://www.stupiderstravels.com/2021/IMG_2738
Reindeer really are beautiful creatures with velvet covered antlers and huge feet that make a noise like banging 2 bits of wood together when they run. Bloody solid though I'm sure.
Tonight's destination is some huts in the woods about 11km out from Kiruna and there is nothing else there so we head into town for supplies. Kiruna is the northernmost town in Sweden and it's there for one reason only, iron ore. You can see the mountains of waste from miles and miles away. Kiruna also has a problem. Quite a big problem in fact. Its sinking due to under mining. Large areas of the place are being condemned and the government is paying to build replacement buildings and move people from the affected areas.
We spot a supermarket and go to park up when a woman comes up asking about the antenna on my helmet. Err.. that's not an antenna .. that's a big cable tie keeping the broken visor up :) Comes in useful for carrying it though, and I might even get a tiny flag to fly from it ..
[IMG]https://www.stupiderstravels.com/2021/IMG_2770.jpg
She's a right hippy chick, and she tells us she is quite famous in Sweden as a singer of Sami music. Not something on my spotify play list .. but she's a nice lady, very friendly and chatty and wiling to handle my helmet in public.
Sweden is as equally expensive as Finland but, like there, the contrast between the prices in the supermarket and the cafes is massive. Coffee and a mouthgasm for a couple of quid .. oh yea ..
We're both just sitting there in a post cake-coital state when a woman comes rushing over to us.. 'are you the bikers?' My first thought is bollocks, someone has run over the bikes .. but no .. she's seen theem outside and has come in to search for us. She just wants to chat and find out what we're doing. She is a biker and has a couple of Harleys .. yes I know .. but she's test ridden the Pan American and is trying to buy one to ride the world on. Her English is just amazing .. shes talking fast and keeping up with all the jokes better than a lot of natives would .. smiling and laughing, flirting and giggling .. she'd be a lot of fun to ride with for sure. Turns out she spends all her life underground driving a concrete truck in the mines. Her shift pattern lets her accumulate lots of holiday and she's already been about a fair bit but she wants to go further.. much much further. Always a good thing to hear from a woman ..
Go and raid the salad counter for dinner.. this isn't like your Pizza Hut salad bar full of manky lettuce with brown edges and sweetcorn full of bogies from snotty nosed kids.. this is proper nice and fresh. Loads of meat, tuna, whatever. I like going out to eat but sometimes I just like a mass of healthy food, and this is the way to do it here.
and a Ploppy for afters .. obviously
Ride back out of town and into the forest to find the huts. We can hear dogs.. lots and lots and lots of dogs. Turns out the huts are at a dog-sled centre and they're absolutely everywhere. 300 of them! They work constantly from September to May then rest up over the summer in their pens. Its quite a sight. Loads of sleighs and harnesses sitting ready for snow to fall ..
They reckon you can put your hands in any of the cages and they won't bite you.
The hut is basic and there is a 'kitchen hut' at the end full of everything you need to prepare and eat your meals.. I like it .. I really like it. Its the different things that stick in your memory the most, and this is definitely different.
See... I really can really almost claim it as camping
I'm out for the count and hit the hay early.. but as usual I need to wee in the middle of the night .. standing on the viranda in the cold.. a star filled sky.. the smell of animals mixed with the trees .. the sound of the dogs shuffling about.. and wee pouring onto the grass .. just perfect ..
There are wolves about up here.. we heard them last night and this morning they're chatting to the dogs .. at 6 am.. which is nice ..
The wolves howl.. the dogs all howl back.. and then suddenly it all stops dead. Its very odd.. they all just stop simultaneously. Fuck knows how that works.. anyway.. back to the hut for brekkie.
then drop off my Ploppy at the long drop.. a loo with a view..
Today we're going to try and get into Norway. Brian's Swedish mate says he doesn't know if we'll get in but we'll ride up and check. I think we should be OK but things are changing all the time so we don't book any accommodation just in case. First stop will be Riksgränsen up on the border.
Its a beautiful cold bright morning as we follow the giant iron ore trains through the wilderness towards Norway.
Its proper desolate up here, and all the better for it. Fuck how much of my life do i spend crawling along staring at the rear bumper of a car in front, or filtering through a mass of metal, just trying to get 5 miles down the road in less than an hour .. surrounded by concrete .. road signs .. noise.. people.. pressure .. but up here I just don't care.. there is room to share.. room to spare .. there are a lot of hikers about but for the most part its just two blokes, two bikes, and the whole world to ourselves.
Get to Riksgränsen and I'm expecting a town but its just some houses, a closed hotel, a closed YMCA hostel and a supermarket. There is a lovely 'supermarket at the end of the universe' vibe about this place. Hikers getting provisions before disappearing into the wilderness.. bikers having a last cake before disappearing into police custody ..
At least the Swedes have a sense of humour though
And you're going to need that if you go LARGE on the Plopps
OK, time to go. Scoot up to the customs building on the top of the hill.. and ride straight through. That was too easy. Like a lot of these borders though, customs and immigration are often a good way apart with some nomansland in between .. if this is no mans land .. can I claim it for my own?
Beautiful eh. I think the tarmac is made from ground down currency.. they've got more money than they know what to do with..
Immigration is just a bloke standing in the road in the sunshine. Flash the NHS COVID QR code and we're in no questions asked. The integration of these systems that has gone on behind the scenes really is very very impressive. These Scandinavians really are a smart bunch though too.
We were thinking about staying in Narvik but by the time we get there its only early afternoon so we decide to just have a look about and some lunch then wing it later. The first thing that strikes me is all the mobility scooters .. everyone seems to have one. They are screaming about everywhere. I soon figured out why everyone drives them though, its because they can drive them faster than they can drive their bloody cars!!
Go for lunch .. Now .. even the Swedes think that Norway is expensive! Dinner will definitely cost you an arm and a leg.. plus a lung and a kidney if you want starter and desert .. £2.50 for a Marathon bar? Really? Behave yourself please
So I buy a bread roll and fill it with dirt .. nom nom nom My bike hates being driven at 80kph.. it shunts and hunts and complains and it drives me mental but that is what everyone is doing here. There are a lot of overhead cameras for all the tunnels and as its often a single road I'm not sure if they can work out average speeds and stuff too - getting stopped for speeding can involve a fist in a studded gauntlet being roughly shoved up your Gary and vast sums money being extracted so we just go with the flow... go with the slow .. still, at least there is a bit of a view every now and then ..
but I bet it looks shit in the other direction .. or not
So... not then .. this place is beauuuuuutiful. Its not really like anywhere I've ever been before and I'm just in awe of it. Everything.. just everything is perfect. Its just ridiculous how perfect it is. The road winds and twists and dips and follows the water's edge and leads us straight into the belly of our first ferry.
All the locals are charge via ANPR cameras but ours aren't recognised so the crew take pictures of them on their phones and tell us we'll be billed later.. that's something to look forward to ..
We've still not organised anywhere to stay this evening so Brian brings up the C word .. yes that C word.. the one I hate hearing and I hate even more hearing .. Camping .. I'm wincing even as I type it .. OK.. lets see what we can do. All the sites we have seen so far have been closed .. hallelujia .. but we come to one on a beautiful lake side and go in to ask, but they just don't want to know. They will barely speak to us for some reason and in the end they just say its closed. Using the miracle of technology I have a quick look about and find a hotel in Fauske a couple of hours south. Just one click and there is a bed with my name on it.. they do camping too but what Brian doesn't know wont hurt him .. and I'm really only thinking about his welfare .. and ..well .. I fucking hate camping ..
Luckily its stays light a lot longer up here and we chase the slowly setting sun along golden stretches of tarmac towards sleep.
We come across a small hotel in a town and there are bikes everywhere, mostly designed for the transportation of human bodies considerably bigger than ours.
We go in to find some dinner, and maybe some company but nobody seems to want to talk to us. Perhaps our bikes just aren't man enough .. or perhaps we've just bumped into the local chapter of the other C word.. It doesn't cost anything to just have a chat does it. If only everyone was as nice as us
We get to Fauske quite late and a receptionist you can smell from a fjord away.. Christ .. I think she's removed the atomiser from her perfume bottle and attached a hose pipe instead. Doesn't put Brian off though
Check in .. climb the steps.. open the door .. ahhhhh.. that'll do
Its a place with a shared kitchen and bathroom and we can hear another couple arrive with a young baby. I recognise them from earlier in the day when I saw them flying a drone. She is German and he is Austrian and they are on parental leave. They've just decided to bugger off for 2 months around Europe with a newborn in a pandemic .. they are our kind of people. They've been away for over a month now and they're just taking it easy. She's cooking dinner and telling us they actually bought a burger and fries today and shared it because its so expensive. They're a lovely couple and the baby is a little angel. We just spend ages chatting away, learning and listening and looking into other lives. Good on em, I'm not sure I'd have just picked up the baby and gone like that..
We take an evening stroll looking to get down to the water but all the roads are private. Fauske.. who's ever heard of Fauske.. another random point on the planet forever planted into my memory.
YOU
ARE
FUGGIN
BRILLIANT.
Words & pictures in perfect harmony, expressing to all that indulge a sense of "being there" with you
Many, many thanks for taking the time and putting in the effort whilst you were away (taking the pictures) and now your home (putting it all together for us lazyfeckers)
Quick question - whats the ASBO tag on the wrist of Santas little helper for?
SteveT
:
ARE
FUGGIN
BRILLIANT.
Words & pictures in perfect harmony, expressing to all that indulge a sense of "being there" with you
Many, many thanks for taking the time and putting in the effort whilst you were away (taking the pictures) and now your home (putting it all together for us lazyfeckers)
Quick question - whats the ASBO tag on the wrist of Santas little helper for?
SteveT
:YOU
ARE
FUGGIN
BRILLIANT.
Words & pictures in perfect harmony, expressing to all that indulge a sense of "being there" with you
Many, many thanks for taking the time and putting in the effort whilst you were away (taking the pictures) and now your home (putting it all together for us lazyfeckers)
Quick question - whats the ASBO tag on the wrist of Santas little helper for?
SteveT
I never noticed that thing on her wrist - weird isn't it. Its probably something to do with elf and safety ..
Excellent stuff,,
keep it coming
keep it coming
Great trip and excellent write up
We've got a log cabin a couple of hours from Rovaniemi, it's a great area and not overwhelmed with tourists. Finland has the highest consumption of coffee per head in the world, or at least they say they do and you can believe it when you are there. Followed by Lapin Kulta.
We've got a log cabin a couple of hours from Rovaniemi, it's a great area and not overwhelmed with tourists. Finland has the highest consumption of coffee per head in the world, or at least they say they do and you can believe it when you are there. Followed by Lapin Kulta.
Excellent stuff! I was up there in '84, hopefully they've forgoten me by now...
circumvented the cost-of-living by surviving on decanted pot-noodles I'd brought with me.
Tried camping in the forests, was evicted by saucer-sized mosquitoes within minutes.
loved this write up
circumvented the cost-of-living by surviving on decanted pot-noodles I'd brought with me.
Tried camping in the forests, was evicted by saucer-sized mosquitoes within minutes.
loved this write up
Now children, this is a public service announcement. If you wake up on a Sunday in Norway, just don't bother getting out of your bed.. because hardly any other fucker will have.
There is no breakfast at this particular inn so we go into town to find a cafe. Sunday morning.. people will be up and about walking dogs.. getting papers .. chatting over hot coffee .. we'll have trouble parking.. and have to queue. But no. No dogs. No papers. No coffee.. No... just no. Everywhere... everywhere is closed. For anyone used to a 24/7 country like the UK, its a strange experience. There is absolutely nowhere open apart from the filling station, and all they have is dirty fries .. nom nom ergggggggghhhhhh
So today we're going to take a scenic route .. or should that really be the more scenic route.. We'll head to Saltstrauman and follow the coast road down to the ferry at Halsa, then down to Jektvik for the longer ferry back through the Arctic Circle, then the last ferry of the day from Nesna and follow the road down to our quarters in Mosjøen. Its not sunny today.. the mood has turned and we have the clouds in battle with the land for the focus of every landscape.. and its amazing ..
I dont like repeating myself.. I don't.. like repeating myself .. ever. It took a very special effort just to type that .. and already thinking of deleting it. I will do it under certain circumstances, if I have to, but very very rarely do I want to do it. We've only been riding a couple of hours today, but this is one of those circumstances. I already want to ride this again tomorrow, and possibly the next day too. This really is a very very special journey.. a very very very special journey.
Every turn, every corner, every hill, every move gives me a spectacular view that's using a full pallet of natures colours to maximum effect. Bridges.. tunnels.. ferries.. and more red paint than a fire engine factory.. its .. I dunno .. its art .. Mother Nature and Slartibartfast creating a landscape to rival anything else on the planet.
But still .. everywhere is shut. We get to Ørnes looking for a coffee. Petrol station. Closed. Go into the small town and a parade of shops. Not a small parade, quite a big one with a big supermarket.. all closed. Go to some other cafes on the satnav.. all closed. We see a young bloke coming out a building. 'Yes its Sunday, everything is closed, but there is usually a small shop open about 40 mins further on. In the UK people would starve if the shops were shut on Sunday, and people would have mental breakdowns in they couldn't get their Amazon delivery of that inflatable toilet seat..
Set off.. there'a cafe with lights on .. screech to a stop.. closed. Nice flower arrangement though .. I wonder if I can eat it ..
My stomach isn't being fed but my eyes and ears and nose certainly are ..
We get to the shop and its like a single cowpat in a massive field with human flies buzzing all around it.. it does have a cafe attached.. but its closed on Sunday, as is the one directly behind it.. I don't understand it. I reckon I could make a good living just opening a cafe here and working just one day a week .. We buy some crusty tarts and gold bars wrapped in snickers wrappers .. well we assumed they were by the price.. and just sit and stare at the world around us before following the visual roller coaster straight down the throat of the next ferry..
The ferries obviously bunch the traffic up and if you don't get off first then you've got some traffic to play with for a while. I frequently get out in front before I simply have to stop.. climb down a precarious steep bank of big boulders and nearly fall into a fjord.. but its always worth it .. every single time ..
The next ferry is a lot bigger and has a cafe.. shock horror .. that's not for the fact they have a cafe open .. its for the fact they charge about a tenner for a sorry looking soggy burger.. but the price is worth paying just for the view of the young lady behind the counter.. if not for the view of the mess on your plate.. I had 5 ..
This ferry takes about 40 minutes and crosses back over the arctic circle where everyone rushes out on deck to take a picture of a tiny spec of a sign in the far distance
and I had to stop young Brian from swimming across it.. mainly because young Brian can't swim ..
Its getting colder and gloomier as the day goes on but it doesn't detract from the fun we're having. On to the last ferry of the day before we chase back through the tunnels towards the real world where .. fingers crossed .. we can find a hot meal and let all this sink in.
The hotel is of the unattended variety on an industrial estate, punch a code and a locker opens with a key. We go out on a dinner hunt and I glance at my bank to see one of the auto petrol stations has charged me £125 for about 10 litres .. ummmmmm .. maybe that's right.. see I told you Norway was expensive .. Jesus ... still I can sort that out later. Time now to crawl down a slippery bank of green covered rocks and slip, smash my phone protector screen and twat my hip bone.. still .. it was worth the trouble ..
I hobble down town and we just push restaurant doors until the first one opens, no pissing about .. feed me now! I have some special reserved slots in my memory .. my best rides ever folder.. they'll never expire.. and I'll never tire of throwing them back up on the projector in my head and slowly leafing through them .. today is going in that folder. What a wonderful day to be alive ..
The next day is never going to match the day before. We are heading towards Trondheim but its my turn to get the accommodation tonight and I've gone a bit left field. Its a B&B on a small island called Tautra. Its connected to the mainland via a causeway, and it looks quite interesting. We'll have to see how that turns out .. but first .. breakfast. Again, the first few places we try from the satnav are closed.. brilliant! We ride into an empty carpark for another cafe and it looks closed but there is someone drinking some coffee under an awning and I ask where he got it, and he points to the door. In we go, and its completely empty but we can hear someone knocking about in the kitchen. I give him a shout and he appears. 'Breakfast?' 'Sure, Eggs and bacon?' 'Sir .. I want to have your babies'..
I'm salivating just at the memory.. the first proper breakfast this trip. Just what my body needed. I go to pay.. he puts the cost in the card machine .. its £126.50. Ummmmmmmmm....... 'Is this right?' .. 'Sure.. of course'. 'But its £126'.. 'This is Norway .. its expensive here'.. 'You are not fucking joking mate' .. and then I have a moment where I'm actually going to put my card in and pay.. he must be right.. its Noway.. its expensive.. that makes perfect sense .. 'But we only paid £60 for dinner last night, so how can 2 eggs and bacon be £126?".. and then the light comes on for him. This is apparently a hotel and he's assumed we stayed the night here.. 'Ohhhhhhhhhhh OK .. sorry.. £25 then please'.. 'OK that is far more reasonable.. and I'll add a £100 tip' ..
So out we go heading south on the main road. They can even get enough traffic here to form a small queue at road works
Its still a beautiful ride but its never going to take my breath away like yesterday did. You know you're spoilt when days like this are tagged as 'average' ..
There really is hardly anyone about but they're all crawling along at 80kph. Maybe they know something we don't. Its always best to follow the lead from the locals so we take just take it easy and cruise along all day, just stopping for some helmet love from Greta. Not that Greta thank God, this one was born with fully functioning smile muscles ..
I think she lights her own farts too, so definitely not the other Greta ..
We follow the wandering river for a while, and pass little hotels covered in grass catering for the fishermen.
The island is quite a few miles off the main route south. I'm not entirely sure what the catering situation is so we drop into a supermarket and get a few provisions. I'm a bit worried about this place to be honest. Brian never ever complains but I don't want to piss him off just because I want to stay on an island.
So off we go, off the beaten track. We are seeing the changes in sunset times as we come south and tonight its getting a bit gloomy as we twist and turn our way towards the hotel. We get to the causeway and there is a big electric gate to keep the foxes and other predators out. Over we go.. through some fields of pungent cabbages, and up a small hill. I'm thinking Brian will be cursing me in his helmet.. I'll have to apologise to him later. We arrive at a small building and go inside. The second I cross the threshold I just know everything is going to be alright.. it has an atmosphere that runs up to me and envelopes me in warmth and friendliness and love. There are some almost sexual cooking scents coming out of the kitchen, and this place is apparently a brewery too. I've run out of boxes to tick, but then the host tells us we're staying in his house and leads us across the courtyard to his house, then up the stairs. He pushes open the door to our room ..
Fuck. Just Fuck. I still haven't spoken to Brian about it but I look at him and his face just says it all. This.. this is a beautiful place.. a very beautiful place indeed.
Come here and see it for yourself, that's all I can say.
Brian and I go for a walk after dinner, down to the jetty where we meet a group of pissed up people from Tronheim, all dressed like SBS recruits, ready to board a big rib that's tied up with its engines burbling and burping in the water. They're all smiling and laughing and full of the full set of beers brewed by our B&B. Turns out this place is pretty well known for its food and ales. Sometimes you're just lucky I guess. You press a button on a tiny piece of glass and it all leads you to a secluded house with a view of a fjord from your bed, lovely food, and another memory beaten into your brain with a stake through it, never to be removed.
I walk down past the hotel through some fields and down to a rocky beach where I just sit and watch the show finish with the sun dropping and the clouds showing the end credits in gentle purples and reds... I collect some stones to take home and give to my wife. Stones I can just hold in my hands, close my eyes, and come back to this exact moment..
There is no breakfast at this particular inn so we go into town to find a cafe. Sunday morning.. people will be up and about walking dogs.. getting papers .. chatting over hot coffee .. we'll have trouble parking.. and have to queue. But no. No dogs. No papers. No coffee.. No... just no. Everywhere... everywhere is closed. For anyone used to a 24/7 country like the UK, its a strange experience. There is absolutely nowhere open apart from the filling station, and all they have is dirty fries .. nom nom ergggggggghhhhhh
So today we're going to take a scenic route .. or should that really be the more scenic route.. We'll head to Saltstrauman and follow the coast road down to the ferry at Halsa, then down to Jektvik for the longer ferry back through the Arctic Circle, then the last ferry of the day from Nesna and follow the road down to our quarters in Mosjøen. Its not sunny today.. the mood has turned and we have the clouds in battle with the land for the focus of every landscape.. and its amazing ..
I dont like repeating myself.. I don't.. like repeating myself .. ever. It took a very special effort just to type that .. and already thinking of deleting it. I will do it under certain circumstances, if I have to, but very very rarely do I want to do it. We've only been riding a couple of hours today, but this is one of those circumstances. I already want to ride this again tomorrow, and possibly the next day too. This really is a very very special journey.. a very very very special journey.
Every turn, every corner, every hill, every move gives me a spectacular view that's using a full pallet of natures colours to maximum effect. Bridges.. tunnels.. ferries.. and more red paint than a fire engine factory.. its .. I dunno .. its art .. Mother Nature and Slartibartfast creating a landscape to rival anything else on the planet.
But still .. everywhere is shut. We get to Ørnes looking for a coffee. Petrol station. Closed. Go into the small town and a parade of shops. Not a small parade, quite a big one with a big supermarket.. all closed. Go to some other cafes on the satnav.. all closed. We see a young bloke coming out a building. 'Yes its Sunday, everything is closed, but there is usually a small shop open about 40 mins further on. In the UK people would starve if the shops were shut on Sunday, and people would have mental breakdowns in they couldn't get their Amazon delivery of that inflatable toilet seat..
Set off.. there'a cafe with lights on .. screech to a stop.. closed. Nice flower arrangement though .. I wonder if I can eat it ..
My stomach isn't being fed but my eyes and ears and nose certainly are ..
We get to the shop and its like a single cowpat in a massive field with human flies buzzing all around it.. it does have a cafe attached.. but its closed on Sunday, as is the one directly behind it.. I don't understand it. I reckon I could make a good living just opening a cafe here and working just one day a week .. We buy some crusty tarts and gold bars wrapped in snickers wrappers .. well we assumed they were by the price.. and just sit and stare at the world around us before following the visual roller coaster straight down the throat of the next ferry..
The ferries obviously bunch the traffic up and if you don't get off first then you've got some traffic to play with for a while. I frequently get out in front before I simply have to stop.. climb down a precarious steep bank of big boulders and nearly fall into a fjord.. but its always worth it .. every single time ..
The next ferry is a lot bigger and has a cafe.. shock horror .. that's not for the fact they have a cafe open .. its for the fact they charge about a tenner for a sorry looking soggy burger.. but the price is worth paying just for the view of the young lady behind the counter.. if not for the view of the mess on your plate.. I had 5 ..
This ferry takes about 40 minutes and crosses back over the arctic circle where everyone rushes out on deck to take a picture of a tiny spec of a sign in the far distance
and I had to stop young Brian from swimming across it.. mainly because young Brian can't swim ..
Its getting colder and gloomier as the day goes on but it doesn't detract from the fun we're having. On to the last ferry of the day before we chase back through the tunnels towards the real world where .. fingers crossed .. we can find a hot meal and let all this sink in.
The hotel is of the unattended variety on an industrial estate, punch a code and a locker opens with a key. We go out on a dinner hunt and I glance at my bank to see one of the auto petrol stations has charged me £125 for about 10 litres .. ummmmmm .. maybe that's right.. see I told you Norway was expensive .. Jesus ... still I can sort that out later. Time now to crawl down a slippery bank of green covered rocks and slip, smash my phone protector screen and twat my hip bone.. still .. it was worth the trouble ..
I hobble down town and we just push restaurant doors until the first one opens, no pissing about .. feed me now! I have some special reserved slots in my memory .. my best rides ever folder.. they'll never expire.. and I'll never tire of throwing them back up on the projector in my head and slowly leafing through them .. today is going in that folder. What a wonderful day to be alive ..
The next day is never going to match the day before. We are heading towards Trondheim but its my turn to get the accommodation tonight and I've gone a bit left field. Its a B&B on a small island called Tautra. Its connected to the mainland via a causeway, and it looks quite interesting. We'll have to see how that turns out .. but first .. breakfast. Again, the first few places we try from the satnav are closed.. brilliant! We ride into an empty carpark for another cafe and it looks closed but there is someone drinking some coffee under an awning and I ask where he got it, and he points to the door. In we go, and its completely empty but we can hear someone knocking about in the kitchen. I give him a shout and he appears. 'Breakfast?' 'Sure, Eggs and bacon?' 'Sir .. I want to have your babies'..
I'm salivating just at the memory.. the first proper breakfast this trip. Just what my body needed. I go to pay.. he puts the cost in the card machine .. its £126.50. Ummmmmmmmm....... 'Is this right?' .. 'Sure.. of course'. 'But its £126'.. 'This is Norway .. its expensive here'.. 'You are not fucking joking mate' .. and then I have a moment where I'm actually going to put my card in and pay.. he must be right.. its Noway.. its expensive.. that makes perfect sense .. 'But we only paid £60 for dinner last night, so how can 2 eggs and bacon be £126?".. and then the light comes on for him. This is apparently a hotel and he's assumed we stayed the night here.. 'Ohhhhhhhhhhh OK .. sorry.. £25 then please'.. 'OK that is far more reasonable.. and I'll add a £100 tip' ..
So out we go heading south on the main road. They can even get enough traffic here to form a small queue at road works
Its still a beautiful ride but its never going to take my breath away like yesterday did. You know you're spoilt when days like this are tagged as 'average' ..
There really is hardly anyone about but they're all crawling along at 80kph. Maybe they know something we don't. Its always best to follow the lead from the locals so we take just take it easy and cruise along all day, just stopping for some helmet love from Greta. Not that Greta thank God, this one was born with fully functioning smile muscles ..
I think she lights her own farts too, so definitely not the other Greta ..
We follow the wandering river for a while, and pass little hotels covered in grass catering for the fishermen.
The island is quite a few miles off the main route south. I'm not entirely sure what the catering situation is so we drop into a supermarket and get a few provisions. I'm a bit worried about this place to be honest. Brian never ever complains but I don't want to piss him off just because I want to stay on an island.
So off we go, off the beaten track. We are seeing the changes in sunset times as we come south and tonight its getting a bit gloomy as we twist and turn our way towards the hotel. We get to the causeway and there is a big electric gate to keep the foxes and other predators out. Over we go.. through some fields of pungent cabbages, and up a small hill. I'm thinking Brian will be cursing me in his helmet.. I'll have to apologise to him later. We arrive at a small building and go inside. The second I cross the threshold I just know everything is going to be alright.. it has an atmosphere that runs up to me and envelopes me in warmth and friendliness and love. There are some almost sexual cooking scents coming out of the kitchen, and this place is apparently a brewery too. I've run out of boxes to tick, but then the host tells us we're staying in his house and leads us across the courtyard to his house, then up the stairs. He pushes open the door to our room ..
Fuck. Just Fuck. I still haven't spoken to Brian about it but I look at him and his face just says it all. This.. this is a beautiful place.. a very beautiful place indeed.
Come here and see it for yourself, that's all I can say.
Brian and I go for a walk after dinner, down to the jetty where we meet a group of pissed up people from Tronheim, all dressed like SBS recruits, ready to board a big rib that's tied up with its engines burbling and burping in the water. They're all smiling and laughing and full of the full set of beers brewed by our B&B. Turns out this place is pretty well known for its food and ales. Sometimes you're just lucky I guess. You press a button on a tiny piece of glass and it all leads you to a secluded house with a view of a fjord from your bed, lovely food, and another memory beaten into your brain with a stake through it, never to be removed.
I walk down past the hotel through some fields and down to a rocky beach where I just sit and watch the show finish with the sun dropping and the clouds showing the end credits in gentle purples and reds... I collect some stones to take home and give to my wife. Stones I can just hold in my hands, close my eyes, and come back to this exact moment..
Wake up and follow our noses to breakfast which makes a lovely change. A proper cooked breakfast at our accommodation, the only one of this trip. I think I even had a flower in a vase ..
Its twatting down and cold as we suit up and leave and it looks like it could be a very long day down to Oslo. We head for Trondheim which has a bypass .. usually .. but today its blocked with an accident and we get directed over the mountains in the storm alongside all the crawling trucks. This really is a reality check after the last 10 days. You may as well be anywhere on a day like this, staring at raindrops on the inside of your visor and trying to arrange a coherent image of all the threats around you by assembling a myriad of tiny kaleidoscopic images coming through the droplets. Its bloody hard work, and very very slow. Oslo is 600km and I just expected a motorway all the way but no.. not out here.. its just a main road... a pain road ..
For a short while it all opens out as we're free..
But the closer we get to Oslo the worse it gets. Frequently the single carriageway roads have a big fuck off barrier running down the middle for extended periods making it absolutely impossible to overtake. Its a very unpleasant tedious journey, broken only with coffee and cake
Its not until you get really close that the road turns into proper motorway. We end up getting in towards dusk and a small tired hotel in the centre. This is another quiet capital city, and absolutely nothing like any normal big city. I guess that isn't a bad thing though. And again, no parking.. not unless you want to sell your anal virginity to pay for it. Well as far as I'm concerned that is exit only.. so I have a look about and see there is bike parking in front of a theatre about 5/600 yards away so the horses will have to spend the night there. I'd never even think about doing that in a normal big city.. There is no bay marked but there is a sign. Lock the bike.. cross my fingers .. walk away .. life is too short to worry about it.
We've both got colons full of cake and we're not really hungry so we take a quick wander about before the light disappears on another day.
By the time we get back to the hotel I'm peckish and go on the hunt for food. There is a supermarket just down the road with a 'pizza hut' standard salad bar full of snot and fingernails and I help the bloke out by clearing out all the dregs from all the containers to eat in the room. I hold my nose and eat it like medicine .. crunchy medicine.. with the occasional sharp bit in .. ummmmm
In the morning we drag our luggage down to the theatre, each telling ourselves that they will still be there, straining our eyes to get our first look.. wondering what the tow recovery fee is round here. I hear a fait whinny and I know my iron horse has picked up my scent.. she's still there where I left her. Thank God for that .. I never doubted it for a moment ..
Today we're headed back into Sweden and Gothenburg. Its no distance at all really so we decide to take a longer route via Erska then south past a big bugger off lake. But first .. breakfast.. again.
Its 7:30. in any normal city there would be cafes open but here everything is still very much asleep here in the centre. We can see a very very nice cake shop with a very very nice young lady filling the shelves and we knock on the door to see if she would fill out stomachs but no .. they don't open till 8.. so off we go.. we'll find somewhere soon enough.. or not. You know its going to be one of those days when you see a brand new McDonald's.. one with at least 20 Tesla charging stations .. go up to the door .. and its shut..
The road to Erska has been tarmac'd with black boredom so we just stop and press 'scare the shit out of me' on the sat nav which immediately recalculates the quickest and most direct route to Gräfsnäs at the head of the lake. There has got to be cafes there right!
Turn right.. TURN RIGHT.. 'but thats a footpath'... 'just do as your told'.. I forgot to turn off the dominatrix audio .. ' and put that ball back in your mouth'... 'Sorry miss '
So we're directed down some very small rough twisty rough roads that soon turn into good gravel then open up with a view of the lake.
Not really such a bad option.. and not scary at all once you swap your road brain out and insert the fearless one. That brain has been in a locked box since we rode the Pamir .. it got sooooo scared there that it locked itself in from the inside. So I got the dominatrix to shout at it VERY LOUDLY and it opened back up in an instant.
We get to Gräfsnäs and see a cafe at the head of the lake.. there are 100s of sailboats moored up.. its a beautiful warm sunny day.. there are deck chairs outside .. in we go. No go .. shut.. shit.
There is a tourist information office next door which seems to be the only thing open round here. I think its open so they can tell tourists that everything is shut... which is exactly what she says. There is however a small bakery just up the road that she recommends.. 'is it open'.. 'its always open'.. that's good enough for us. Down a couple of shady street and we spot a couple of old men sitting outside a shop with coffees in their hands, just chewing the fat. Bingo .. We're going in ..
Inside the air is thick with sugar and I can almost feel it dive bombing my skin .. its like calorie radiation. Well if I'm going to take calories on board its going to be via the traditional route..
The young bloke behind the counter is very obviously not Swedish so I ask him where he is from. Turns out he is from Yemen and he came to Germany then to Sweden where he has a lot of family already. He's making the coffee, speaking in one of his numerous languages, just passing the time. We buy some sandwiches and cake too and I ask him if he makes anything from Yemen. He just smiles and adds a large slice of free cake to the tray .. two of my favourite words together at last .. free... and cake And Fuck me sideways.. its delicious. So delicious Brian and I almost come to blows over it.
Luckily for us, the young bloke comes out with more free cake to try before we need to call in a referee. So.. then I feel guilty so I go and buy another 2 expensive coffees .. I bet it works for him every single time
The ride down to Gothenburg is pretty uneventful, except for an unusual tag team helmet signing ..
Tonight its my turn to get a room and I've gone for a B&B on the outskirts, right on the tram line into the city. Booking.com had it as 'only one room left.. buy it now .. you'll be sorry if you don't .. don't be sorry .. do it.. do it NOW' so we turned up expecting a place full to bursting .. people soup .. waiting for the loo .. showing in the last persons skin flakes and wee .. but the place was empty.. and if I'm honest.. it felt a bit weird. Its a big house and the family .. if there is one.. lives in the above ground section, with the 'guests' all directed down some stairs to the very nice cells.. err .. rooms.. It felt like I might be locked in at any minute by some weird Swede with bulging eyes and a mouth only 50% occupied by teeth .. and then be experimented on.. and forced to have babies with Brian .. its not somewhere I'd have felt comfortable staying on my own. We were definitely the only guests.
But at least the bikes were close and safe this time
We jump on the No5 tram into town for a wander about. We can't seem to find the centre, so we just end up following loads of locals .. most of which seem to be assembled out of absolutely perfect body parts ..
Travelling like we do we frequently just end up ticking boxes and moving to the next place. Some ticks are bright green, some are blood red, some flash madly and launch fireworks, and some are a very very very pale shade of grey .. like this place..
Wake up the next day just happy to be alive and come back up to the light from the cellar below. Breakfast.. Oat milk .. just WTF is that about .. did anyone ever see a calf sucking on oats?
I'm not lactose/wheat/whatever is flavor of this bloody month intolerant .. I'm 'food intolerant' intolerant. The world is full of fuckweasels shouting and screaming trying to make themselves abnormal just to be normal.. you're not normal unless your're abnormal nowadays. Its just like everything I can think of.. all the actual sufferers of any actual intolerance/disability/abuse are just drowned out by all the bloody cock wombles screaming this and that bollocks .. everyone nowdays seem to be born with big open sores that they spend their lives picking at and fucking off 99% of the population with .. ahhhhhhhhhh .. thats better .. and by the way.. I bought the actual proper milk from a cow last night in the supermarket, just after I nearly walked straight into a big display of chocolate after getting a MASSIVE blip on my (recalibrated to only show perfection) tottiometer .. there apparently are humans made from body parts even better than perfection .. my advice .. when in Sweden wear a balaclava .. and put it on backwards .. otherwise you'll be constantly tripping over your tongue ..
Today we're headed to Lund to stay with a Swedish friend of Brian's. Its not far so we decide to pop into Malmo for more coffee.. more cake .. and more tongue/feet related incidents ..
Lund is a lovely little town, beautiful streets, beautiful people, beautiful weather. We're sitting outside and I want to take a picture but it would get the woman sitting next to me in it so I ask if she minds. She's French and she immediately starts chatting like she's cast off a veil of silence.. non stop babble .. she says that she knew we must be English because they are the only people that will approach and talk to random people in the street.. and she loves it. She used to work in Oxford and loved it so much she is trying to convince her husband to move to the UK. He is some mad scientist for a CERN related project they are doing out in Sweden. They're building more of those particle things - and this one will be straight, so the bloke throwing the particle can get a really good run up before he throws it .. They've been at it for 8 years so far and she's not happy. WTF do the EU decide to build the most expensive projects on earth in the most expensive countries on earth? Makes no sense at all to me.. unless they're building it out of wood.. plenty of that in Scandinavia ..
Get on the bikes and ride out to Brian's mate. I've been looking forward to this bit of the trip. Staying with a local is always an enlightening experience, being allowed into somebody's home, to sit in beautiful worn furniture, turn taps used a million times by old hands .. a living museum .. I just love walking in and soaking it all up .. people's character expressed through paintings and carpets and furniture and towels and soap and condiments.. sights.. smells.. an atmosphere .. character.. a lifetime mapped out before you .. I just love it.
Brian's mate keeps bees.. lots and lots of bees .. 1.5 Tonnes of honey a year bees. The garden is full of hives and the house is full of well used and well worn bee related gizmos and gadgets. Its quite a complicated business. Did you know honey bees only live for 6 months.. and they die because their wings wear out .. something I would never have even thought of! Poor little buggers. We just spend a lovely evening chatting and listening to old music that the old boys sing along to with their wine lubricated voices. I just smile.. all night long. Happiness like this isn't expensive, but its absolutely priceless.
Next morning I'm sad to leave. Jut say goodbye to the bees.
From here it's just head down and back onto the tarmac treadmill back home. Over the Øresund bridge.. where Brian buggers off because he thinks I'll be arrested if I stop ..
From Copenhagen its due south ..and its very very very windy
take the short ferry trip to Germany
And head for our hotel in the Turkish district, home of the drunken carpet fitters ..
At this stage in the game its just ride .. eat .. bed .. repeat. We head go to the food court in the nearest shopping Mall and tank up on Turkish .. $%"^£$^"£ .. well that's what I thought he said .. it was warm and tasty and cheap and that's all I wanted ..
And some spunk for afters .. obviously
We need to get a negative lateral flow test before we catch the ferry, and Germany seems to be the easiest place to get it. They allow anyone one free test a day, perfect. We're heading to see my brother tonight so this will be the last hotel of this trip. My body isn't used to coming home so soon. I'm steering the bike west but I can feel it trying to tug me in the opposite direction, its far from finished.. but I promise her .. and myself .. an XXL ride next year. This was just a short break.. a release valve for all the pent up frustration built up over the last couple of years .. the world is coming back slowly and I'm bloody well going to get out there and see of much of it as I can. I want to come to the end this life with both my eyes displaying 'MEMORY FULL'
The test centre is only 5 minutes down the road and in typical German style we're in and out in no time, minus a few mills of mucus.
One last stop for coffee and cake
And we're on our way to my brother and his wife in Made. They have a lovely little house with a beautiful garden so we just sit in the sunshine and chat, talk and listen, just share our lives.
And all to suddenly its time to go home. Brian is such an easy bloke to travel with.. everyone should have a Brian .. but you can't have mine
A quick skip to Dunkirk, approach the ferry booths with a bit of trepidation.. but we've got all we need and on we go .. both being pulled inextricably towards home ..
Get home and back the metal mule into the garage, open the door, and slide back into my parallel life ..
She's like a dog that doesn't want to go back in its kennel.. she's fucked off.. she growls if I go near her .. I need to throw her a bone.. a Pamir Highway shaped bone, a Magadan bone.. that should give her something to chew on over the winter .. and me too ..
Its twatting down and cold as we suit up and leave and it looks like it could be a very long day down to Oslo. We head for Trondheim which has a bypass .. usually .. but today its blocked with an accident and we get directed over the mountains in the storm alongside all the crawling trucks. This really is a reality check after the last 10 days. You may as well be anywhere on a day like this, staring at raindrops on the inside of your visor and trying to arrange a coherent image of all the threats around you by assembling a myriad of tiny kaleidoscopic images coming through the droplets. Its bloody hard work, and very very slow. Oslo is 600km and I just expected a motorway all the way but no.. not out here.. its just a main road... a pain road ..
For a short while it all opens out as we're free..
But the closer we get to Oslo the worse it gets. Frequently the single carriageway roads have a big fuck off barrier running down the middle for extended periods making it absolutely impossible to overtake. Its a very unpleasant tedious journey, broken only with coffee and cake
Its not until you get really close that the road turns into proper motorway. We end up getting in towards dusk and a small tired hotel in the centre. This is another quiet capital city, and absolutely nothing like any normal big city. I guess that isn't a bad thing though. And again, no parking.. not unless you want to sell your anal virginity to pay for it. Well as far as I'm concerned that is exit only.. so I have a look about and see there is bike parking in front of a theatre about 5/600 yards away so the horses will have to spend the night there. I'd never even think about doing that in a normal big city.. There is no bay marked but there is a sign. Lock the bike.. cross my fingers .. walk away .. life is too short to worry about it.
We've both got colons full of cake and we're not really hungry so we take a quick wander about before the light disappears on another day.
By the time we get back to the hotel I'm peckish and go on the hunt for food. There is a supermarket just down the road with a 'pizza hut' standard salad bar full of snot and fingernails and I help the bloke out by clearing out all the dregs from all the containers to eat in the room. I hold my nose and eat it like medicine .. crunchy medicine.. with the occasional sharp bit in .. ummmmm
In the morning we drag our luggage down to the theatre, each telling ourselves that they will still be there, straining our eyes to get our first look.. wondering what the tow recovery fee is round here. I hear a fait whinny and I know my iron horse has picked up my scent.. she's still there where I left her. Thank God for that .. I never doubted it for a moment ..
Today we're headed back into Sweden and Gothenburg. Its no distance at all really so we decide to take a longer route via Erska then south past a big bugger off lake. But first .. breakfast.. again.
Its 7:30. in any normal city there would be cafes open but here everything is still very much asleep here in the centre. We can see a very very nice cake shop with a very very nice young lady filling the shelves and we knock on the door to see if she would fill out stomachs but no .. they don't open till 8.. so off we go.. we'll find somewhere soon enough.. or not. You know its going to be one of those days when you see a brand new McDonald's.. one with at least 20 Tesla charging stations .. go up to the door .. and its shut..
The road to Erska has been tarmac'd with black boredom so we just stop and press 'scare the shit out of me' on the sat nav which immediately recalculates the quickest and most direct route to Gräfsnäs at the head of the lake. There has got to be cafes there right!
Turn right.. TURN RIGHT.. 'but thats a footpath'... 'just do as your told'.. I forgot to turn off the dominatrix audio .. ' and put that ball back in your mouth'... 'Sorry miss '
So we're directed down some very small rough twisty rough roads that soon turn into good gravel then open up with a view of the lake.
Not really such a bad option.. and not scary at all once you swap your road brain out and insert the fearless one. That brain has been in a locked box since we rode the Pamir .. it got sooooo scared there that it locked itself in from the inside. So I got the dominatrix to shout at it VERY LOUDLY and it opened back up in an instant.
We get to Gräfsnäs and see a cafe at the head of the lake.. there are 100s of sailboats moored up.. its a beautiful warm sunny day.. there are deck chairs outside .. in we go. No go .. shut.. shit.
There is a tourist information office next door which seems to be the only thing open round here. I think its open so they can tell tourists that everything is shut... which is exactly what she says. There is however a small bakery just up the road that she recommends.. 'is it open'.. 'its always open'.. that's good enough for us. Down a couple of shady street and we spot a couple of old men sitting outside a shop with coffees in their hands, just chewing the fat. Bingo .. We're going in ..
Inside the air is thick with sugar and I can almost feel it dive bombing my skin .. its like calorie radiation. Well if I'm going to take calories on board its going to be via the traditional route..
The young bloke behind the counter is very obviously not Swedish so I ask him where he is from. Turns out he is from Yemen and he came to Germany then to Sweden where he has a lot of family already. He's making the coffee, speaking in one of his numerous languages, just passing the time. We buy some sandwiches and cake too and I ask him if he makes anything from Yemen. He just smiles and adds a large slice of free cake to the tray .. two of my favourite words together at last .. free... and cake
And Fuck me sideways.. its delicious. So delicious Brian and I almost come to blows over it.
Luckily for us, the young bloke comes out with more free cake to try before we need to call in a referee. So.. then I feel guilty so I go and buy another 2 expensive coffees .. I bet it works for him every single time
The ride down to Gothenburg is pretty uneventful, except for an unusual tag team helmet signing ..
Tonight its my turn to get a room and I've gone for a B&B on the outskirts, right on the tram line into the city. Booking.com had it as 'only one room left.. buy it now .. you'll be sorry if you don't .. don't be sorry .. do it.. do it NOW' so we turned up expecting a place full to bursting .. people soup .. waiting for the loo .. showing in the last persons skin flakes and wee .. but the place was empty.. and if I'm honest.. it felt a bit weird. Its a big house and the family .. if there is one.. lives in the above ground section, with the 'guests' all directed down some stairs to the very nice cells.. err .. rooms.. It felt like I might be locked in at any minute by some weird Swede with bulging eyes and a mouth only 50% occupied by teeth .. and then be experimented on.. and forced to have babies with Brian .. its not somewhere I'd have felt comfortable staying on my own. We were definitely the only guests.
But at least the bikes were close and safe this time
We jump on the No5 tram into town for a wander about. We can't seem to find the centre, so we just end up following loads of locals .. most of which seem to be assembled out of absolutely perfect body parts ..
Travelling like we do we frequently just end up ticking boxes and moving to the next place. Some ticks are bright green, some are blood red, some flash madly and launch fireworks, and some are a very very very pale shade of grey .. like this place..
Wake up the next day just happy to be alive and come back up to the light from the cellar below. Breakfast.. Oat milk .. just WTF is that about .. did anyone ever see a calf sucking on oats?
I'm not lactose/wheat/whatever is flavor of this bloody month intolerant .. I'm 'food intolerant' intolerant. The world is full of fuckweasels shouting and screaming trying to make themselves abnormal just to be normal.. you're not normal unless your're abnormal nowadays. Its just like everything I can think of.. all the actual sufferers of any actual intolerance/disability/abuse are just drowned out by all the bloody cock wombles screaming this and that bollocks .. everyone nowdays seem to be born with big open sores that they spend their lives picking at and fucking off 99% of the population with .. ahhhhhhhhhh .. thats better .. and by the way.. I bought the actual proper milk from a cow last night in the supermarket, just after I nearly walked straight into a big display of chocolate after getting a MASSIVE blip on my (recalibrated to only show perfection) tottiometer .. there apparently are humans made from body parts even better than perfection .. my advice .. when in Sweden wear a balaclava .. and put it on backwards .. otherwise you'll be constantly tripping over your tongue ..
Today we're headed to Lund to stay with a Swedish friend of Brian's. Its not far so we decide to pop into Malmo for more coffee.. more cake .. and more tongue/feet related incidents ..
Lund is a lovely little town, beautiful streets, beautiful people, beautiful weather. We're sitting outside and I want to take a picture but it would get the woman sitting next to me in it so I ask if she minds. She's French and she immediately starts chatting like she's cast off a veil of silence.. non stop babble .. she says that she knew we must be English because they are the only people that will approach and talk to random people in the street.. and she loves it. She used to work in Oxford and loved it so much she is trying to convince her husband to move to the UK. He is some mad scientist for a CERN related project they are doing out in Sweden. They're building more of those particle things - and this one will be straight, so the bloke throwing the particle can get a really good run up before he throws it .. They've been at it for 8 years so far and she's not happy. WTF do the EU decide to build the most expensive projects on earth in the most expensive countries on earth? Makes no sense at all to me.. unless they're building it out of wood.. plenty of that in Scandinavia ..
Get on the bikes and ride out to Brian's mate. I've been looking forward to this bit of the trip. Staying with a local is always an enlightening experience, being allowed into somebody's home, to sit in beautiful worn furniture, turn taps used a million times by old hands .. a living museum .. I just love walking in and soaking it all up .. people's character expressed through paintings and carpets and furniture and towels and soap and condiments.. sights.. smells.. an atmosphere .. character.. a lifetime mapped out before you .. I just love it.
Brian's mate keeps bees.. lots and lots of bees .. 1.5 Tonnes of honey a year bees. The garden is full of hives and the house is full of well used and well worn bee related gizmos and gadgets. Its quite a complicated business. Did you know honey bees only live for 6 months.. and they die because their wings wear out .. something I would never have even thought of! Poor little buggers. We just spend a lovely evening chatting and listening to old music that the old boys sing along to with their wine lubricated voices. I just smile.. all night long. Happiness like this isn't expensive, but its absolutely priceless.
Next morning I'm sad to leave. Jut say goodbye to the bees.
From here it's just head down and back onto the tarmac treadmill back home. Over the Øresund bridge.. where Brian buggers off because he thinks I'll be arrested if I stop ..
From Copenhagen its due south ..and its very very very windy
take the short ferry trip to Germany
And head for our hotel in the Turkish district, home of the drunken carpet fitters ..
At this stage in the game its just ride .. eat .. bed .. repeat. We head go to the food court in the nearest shopping Mall and tank up on Turkish .. $%"^£$^"£ .. well that's what I thought he said .. it was warm and tasty and cheap and that's all I wanted ..
And some spunk for afters .. obviously
We need to get a negative lateral flow test before we catch the ferry, and Germany seems to be the easiest place to get it. They allow anyone one free test a day, perfect. We're heading to see my brother tonight so this will be the last hotel of this trip. My body isn't used to coming home so soon. I'm steering the bike west but I can feel it trying to tug me in the opposite direction, its far from finished.. but I promise her .. and myself .. an XXL ride next year. This was just a short break.. a release valve for all the pent up frustration built up over the last couple of years .. the world is coming back slowly and I'm bloody well going to get out there and see of much of it as I can. I want to come to the end this life with both my eyes displaying 'MEMORY FULL'
The test centre is only 5 minutes down the road and in typical German style we're in and out in no time, minus a few mills of mucus.
One last stop for coffee and cake
And we're on our way to my brother and his wife in Made. They have a lovely little house with a beautiful garden so we just sit in the sunshine and chat, talk and listen, just share our lives.
And all to suddenly its time to go home. Brian is such an easy bloke to travel with.. everyone should have a Brian .. but you can't have mine
A quick skip to Dunkirk, approach the ferry booths with a bit of trepidation.. but we've got all we need and on we go .. both being pulled inextricably towards home ..
Get home and back the metal mule into the garage, open the door, and slide back into my parallel life ..
She's like a dog that doesn't want to go back in its kennel.. she's fucked off.. she growls if I go near her .. I need to throw her a bone.. a Pamir Highway shaped bone, a Magadan bone.. that should give her something to chew on over the winter .. and me too ..
Yep, brilliant stuff.
Fan-fuggin-tastic ....brilliant thread,loved every bit of it,thanks for sharing it with us all
Kimbo
Kimbo
Brilliant doesn't do you, your writing skills or your photographs true justice.
Absoloutly love reading your trip reports for the humour, insite and . . . . well, humour
I thought your "chaff-ometer" was going to get an outing at one point, but being Scandanavia it appears you didn't need it
Two lines from this, the last part of this trip report, stick in my mind . . .
" Happiness like this isn't expensive, but its absolutely priceless."
" I want to come to the end this life with both my eyes displaying 'MEMORY FULL' "
You are, Sir, are a true wordsmith . Thank you yet again for sharing your words, pictures & experiences with us lesser mortals.
Now, I'm off to look for a Brian
SteveT
:
Absoloutly love reading your trip reports for the humour, insite and . . . . well, humour
I thought your "chaff-ometer" was going to get an outing at one point, but being Scandanavia it appears you didn't need it
Two lines from this, the last part of this trip report, stick in my mind . . .
" Happiness like this isn't expensive, but its absolutely priceless."
" I want to come to the end this life with both my eyes displaying 'MEMORY FULL' "
You are, Sir, are a true wordsmith . Thank you yet again for sharing your words, pictures & experiences with us lesser mortals.Now, I'm off to look for a Brian
SteveT
:Thank you for sharing this, I absolutely love reading your ramblings
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